If You Want To Make It As A Mime, You Need A Brass Pair of Balls

Alright everyone, listen up, because this is the last time I am going to talk for several months.

Well, well, well, if it isn’t another batch of young wannabe mimes who thinks their shit don’t stink and expressing emotion and character using only exaggerated gestures is an easy gravy train to money and fame. Well I got news for you maggots, being a mime isn’t the non stop glamor fest they tell you about in mime school. Every hot shot out of school thinks they will be the next Marcel Marceau, well I’m here to tell you to air kiss that dream goodbye, because 99% of you won’t make it on these streets and will go crawling back to society as a doctor or lawyer.

Put that air coffee down! Air coffee is for mimes who perform.

You think I am fucking around here? I am coming from the park downtown, I make over 40 cents an hour from mildly interested pedestrian who are impressed with my ability to pull a fake rope, so I think I know what the fuck I’m talking about. You see this air watch? This cost more than your air house, or that air box you can never seem to get out of. I have stepped on more air boxes than your tiny brains can even conceive of. I have climbed the mime ladder and the air ladder because I am a tough son of a bitch who doesn’t fuck around when it comes to conveying story through body movement.

You got something to say to me? Didn’t think so, good, looks like you’re learning.

From now on, I don’t care if you’re a good husband, a good father, a good friend, I only care if you can accurately simulate peaking your head around the corner of a doorway in a humorous fashion. If you can’t do that, you might as well hang yourself with an air rope, because you’re as useless to me as a megaphone.

The people out there need mimes, it is easily people’s favorite form of entertainment, so what we do matters. I know that if I don’t go out there and exaggerate every facial expression in a comical manner, the fabric of society falls apart.

You want to know what happens when you can’t cut it as a mime? When I was coming up I had a buddy who thought he was going to be the next big thing in Commedia Dell’Arte. After two weeks the pressure got to him and he quit, ended up going to medical school to become a brain surgeon. Now he is out there with three kids, a big house and tons of money, all because he couldn’t take the pressure of being a mime so had to settle for a more relaxed profession. Pathetic son of a bitch.

If I see any of you touch a real object, you might as well just take your makeup off right then and there and get the fuck off of my street corner. No drinking real liquids, no eating real food, no handling real money, if you snap the illusion for people it could ruin their entire lives. You don’t know pain until you see the eyes of a child who has just realized mimes actually have the ability to interact with objects in the physical world.

So go out there and gesture like your life, and everyone else’s life, depends on it, because it does. If you fuck up, the consequences are deadly for you and everyone around you. This society is hanging by an air thread created by a mime, so if you don’t think you can cut it, get the fuck out of here and go be a doctor or fireman or something else useless.