If You Were Raised by Gen X Parents, You May Be Entitled to Compensation

As a Gen Z young adult, you were recently sent a letter about an ongoing class action lawsuit against Gen X parents. Since that letter likely went straight to your recycling bin, we followed up with an email, which was similarly disregarded. After attempting to reach you on Slack, Facebook and X (formerly Twitter), we are releasing this announcement as a TikTok video in the hopes of finally getting your attention.

What is this lawsuit about?

 

For thousands of years, parents were able to teach their kids tough love because of the childhood trauma they themselves experienced.  Wars, depressions, and plagues were commonplace.  Generation X was the first in history to avoid any significant hardships.  Born too late for the draft, they experienced a roaring economy for most of the 80s and 90s, graduated college without crippling debt and bought a starter house at 30.  But then when they had you, they decided that getting your feelings hurt was to be avoided at all cost.  They kept you locked in car seats until you were 12.

 

As a result, you were deprived of essential life experiences like disappointment, rough housing, or stuffing your face with peanuts.  Then you spent six years at a college filled with safe spaces and trigger warnings.  If you were lucky enough to graduate, you went out into the world with no meaningful skills and more debt than Zimbabwe.

Am I covered by the settlement?

 

Naturally, as Gen Z you feel entitled to everything regardless.  But this settlement is directed at individuals who experienced one or more of the following:

 

• Exposure to grunge music in the womb.

• Received a participation trophy when you came in last.

• Mild Adderall addiction

• Injured by the blades of your helicopter parents.

• Inability to hear other points of view without freaking out.

• You were forced to watch The Breakfast Club against your will.

• You developed a peanut allergy, ironically because you were shielded from them.

• You were called a “hero” the one time you made your bed.

• Medium Adderall addiction

• You came to your parents with a problem and they responded with a Kurt Cobain quote that didn’t seem relevant.

• You took out a student loan to major in Urban Studies, Art History, or Taylor Swift Studies.

• Your job title is “social media influencer”.

• You can’t read an entire shopping list without getting distracted.

• Your landlord refuses to make necessary renovations to your apartment because it’s your parents’ basement and you don’t pay rent.

• Severe/Permanent Adderall addiction

 

Why is there a settlement?

 

Gen X denies all allegations of wrongdoing but is settling to “avoid dealing with any more of their kids’ drama and get the little snowflakes out of the house”.

What are the terms of the settlement?

 

Gen X parents and teachers have agreed to pay $1,000,000,000 into a settlement fund that will compensate their victims with the following benefits:

 

• Construction of 12 million “affordable” housing units.

• An official apology for the stress caused by your student loans.

• Subsidized vocational training to learn the basic life skills you weren’t taught growing up, like cooking spaghetti, wearing matching socks, or holding a face-to-face conversation with another human being.

What do I do next?

 

To indicate a desire to participate, respond with a selfie video, an upside-down face emoji and the hashtag #fuckgenx.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: An apology is nice, but will my student loan balance be paid off or forgiven?

A: Unfortunately, no. But the settlement includes a free tutorial on faking your own death.

 

Q: About those housing units, why is “affordable” in quotes?

A: Somewhere in a parallel universe, you make considerably more money and can afford one (as long as you’re willing to share an efficiency).

 

Q: Can I just take over my parents’ house and let them live in one of the efficiency units?

A: That isn’t currently an option.  On the bright side, your parents are due to expire in about 30 years, so you will have a nice place eventually.  Unless they take out a reverse mortgage, in which case you’re SOL.

 

Q: Who are the lawyers behind the lawsuit, and how much is their cut?

A: Claimants are represented by a team of Gen Z attorneys.  Naturally, part of the settlement will go toward paying off our own student loans (and maybe a house or two).  Whatever is left will trickle down directly to the claimants.

 

Q: After all the legal fees, how much will I receive?

A: Eighty seven dollars, payable in Twitch subscription credits.