Oh my goodness, Debbie, is that you? I thought I saw you sneaking around the wine aisle. Stocking up for the New Year? Love it, love it. Speaking of…any resolutions?
“Not really?” Oh, come on, Debbie! There has to be something you want to change about yourself. Nobody’s perfect. Not even me. And especially not you. Haha. I’m just kidding.
But actually, Debbie, I’m not kidding. You see, I’m a Resolutions Girly. I talk about my New Year’s resolutions incessantly from December through January. I force friends, loved ones, and even strangers to share their goals with me, too. I refuse to let any conversation end until I’ve heard resolutions I find satisfactory. So come on, Debbie. I’m sure you have at least one thing you’d like to change…
“Learning a new language”? I love that for you. Love that. Do you speak any besides English? No? How tragique! That’s French, by the way. Learning French was one of my resolutions last year.
Some people think it’s too personal to push someone to share their resolutions. But not me. As a Resolutions Girly, I like to talk about the real stuff. I want to hear your inner monologue, the things you say to yourself when you’re getting dressed in the morning and those intrusive thoughts that keep you up at night.
So…what else do you want to commit to eradicating about yourself during this next trip around the sun?
And don’t worry if you’re not sure, I can wait until you think of something. Here, I’ll follow you around the store.
“Reading more”? Cute! Cute, cute, cute. Tell me, is it because you feel bad that you never did anything with your degree in English? That would definitely bother me if I were you.
But maybe that’s just me! Listen, Debbie, we all have insecurities. And right here at this deli counter, I want to learn about yours. That’s what resolutions really are, when you think about it. They’re the things about us we fear are lacking. As a Resolutions Girly, I’m not bothered by this fact. I’m energized by it.
I bet you can think of one more, Debbie. And really, I’m in no rush. I’ll stand right here in the bakery section and brainstorm with you until the clock strikes midnight if that’s how long it takes.
Oh. What do I recommend? Sigh. Here’s the thing, Deb, I can’t tell you how to change. Like, sure, I could recommend that you eat less gluten. I could tell you how consuming less gluten changed my life. Changed my life, Deb. I could tell you to start right now by putting back that baguette or, as Duolingo will tell you, baguette.
But I won’t do that, Deb. I’m a Resolutions Girly, not a priest. You have to make these decisions for yourself. And then tell me.
Speaking of a higher power, isn’t it beyond crazy that some people don’t believe in making resolutions?! How will anyone ever improve if they don’t commit to changing multiple things about themselves once a year? How will anyone ever grow without the fear and shame of potentially abandoning their resolutions come February?
These are just some of the tough questions I ask myself as a Resolutions Girly.
So what else, Debbie? What else?
“Removing toxic people from your life”? Amazing. Why are you staring at me so intently?
As a Resolutions Girly, it’s my honor to inspire people to be as excited about self-improvement as I am. Sometimes, I wish resolutions were something we could commit to any time throughout the year, but that’s a totally different thing. That’s not a resolution, Deb. I don’t even know what that is. Resolutions happen in December. Resolutions are made for the New Year. Resolutions are the best. They’re how we improve. I’m a Resolutions Girly. I want to hear about your resolutions! I want to hear about your insecurities! I want to hear about your resolutions! They’re how we improve. I’m a Resolutions Girly. Eat less gluten. Eat less gluten. Eat less —
Woah, that was weird. Thanks for slapping me across the face with that loaf of bread. What was I saying? Oh right, eating less gluten changed my life.
Well anyway, I’m so glad I ran into you, D! I’m really excited for all you’re going to change about yourself and —
What was that? What are my resolutions? I love that you asked that. Love that. But actually, last year one of my resolutions was to work on setting boundaries. And because asking about my resolutions is kind of a personal question, I’m going to take this opportunity to practice boundary-setting by choosing not to answer.
See, D? Resolutions are the best. Can’t wait to see how you improve in the New Year. Au Revoir!
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Emily Kling is a writer based in New Haven, CT, where she is currently pursuing her MBA degree from the Yale School of Management. Her work has appeared in The Weekly Humorist, Points in Case, Little Old Lady Comedy, and The Belladonna. While Emily is often late, she is rarely fashionable. Find her on Twitter @EmilyKling2 or at www.emilyannekling.com.