Entries by Emily Kling


I’m a Resolutions Girly and I Demand to Hear Your New Year’s Resolutions

Debbie, I’m not kidding. You see, I’m a Resolutions Girly. I talk about my New Year’s resolutions incessantly from December through January. I force friends, loved ones, and even strangers to share their goals with me, too. I refuse to let any conversation end until I’ve heard resolutions I find satisfactory. So come on, Debbie. I’m sure you have at least one thing you’d like to change…


Famous Hemingway Quotes in Context

“There is no friend as loyal as a book. And there is no book as loyal as a friend. Wait. That doesn’t make sense. Barkeep, another round!” — Ernest Hemingway

Best of 2022

Monopoly for Millennials: The Updated Rulebook

Preparation: Each player chooses one token to represent themself while traveling around the board. Tokens include: Oat Milk, iPhone with Cracked Screen, Weed Gummy Bear, Podcast Microphone, Ill-Fitting Bridesmaid Dress (must replace after each use), Zoloft Tablet, Laughing Crying Face Emoji, Thimble – Each player starts with $1,500, but some players must give the Banker $100 every 10 minutes, in an effort to pay off their student debt. 


This Earth Day, Help Save The Planet By Purchasing Our ‘I Love The Earth’ Synthetic T-Shirt

This year, our tie-dye I Love The Earth t-shirt features a smiling earth with a playful wink. You’ll notice that this is very different from last year’s I Love The Earth tie-dye t-shirt, which showed a smiling earth with both eyes closed. Let everyone know you care about sustainability, without getting caught wearing last year’s style!


Let’s Get High And Go To The Van Gogh Museum

I know I’ve never done marijuana before, but I hear the weed is different here, stronger, fancier, more European. Like people forget where they are and just wander the streets of Amsterdam, with time revealing itself as the manmade construct it’s always been. People say you’ll learn to live fully in the moment, and everything else falls away, like an ear falling off someone’s head.

Best of 2022

Excerpt from Mick Jagger’s Time in Analysis

MICK JAGGER: I can’t get no satisfaction. THERAPIST: Isn’t this starting to feel a bit repetitive for you?  MICK JAGGER: I can’t get no girl reaction. THERAPIST: That doesn’t sound like what you told me in last week’s session.


Rejected Friends Thanksgiving Episodes

The One Where They Spend Thanksgiving In The Hospital After Rachel’s Trifle Activates Ross’ IBS, The One Where Ross Lectures About How Turkeys Are Related To Dinosaurs And Chandler Fakes An Aneurysm In Order To Leave The Table, The One Where Monica Gets a Prescription for Lexapro And Enjoys Thanksgiving For the First Time, and more!


17 Ways To Make It Seem Like You’re Still Listening When You’ve Stopped Paying Attention

Make encouraging sounds like “Mmhmm” or “Uh-huh.” You’ll probably want to alternate among a few different ones so it doesn’t sound like you’re meditating. Repeat whatever they say. You got this! No, don’t literally repeat it! Why did you do that? “I also lost my job”?!?! You didn’t lose your job! I meant that you should say something like: “What I’m hearing is that you lost your job.” Jeez.

Best Of 2021

AirBnB Listing for the Love Shack

Other Things to Note: The air conditioner is busted, so you might find yourself wearin’ next to nothing ‘cause it’s hot as an oven. Also, the whole shack shimmies when everybody’s movin’ around. Will this be an issue? Only if you find yourselves having a pure and innocent dance party!