When you see me or any other man stretching out as if the subway is our own personal living room, know that it’s due to our penises being oriented horizontally and shaped like harmonicas.
About Emily Kling
Emily Kling is a writer based in New Haven, CT, where she is currently pursuing her MBA degree from the Yale School of Management. Her work has appeared in The Weekly Humorist, Points in Case, Little Old Lady Comedy, and The Belladonna. While Emily is often late, she is rarely fashionable. Find her on Twitter @EmilyKling2 or at www.emilyannekling.com.
Entries by Emily Kling
Prudent Molars, Insightful Incisors, Astute Fangs, and more!
If you’re hanging out with Jewish friends around sundown during the week of Hanukkah, and you say something like ‘the history of Jewish suffering is overrated,” you’re both lighting and gaslighting.
Have your wages kept up with the cost of living? A. No. I haven’t received a raise in years! And my company doesn’t offer cost of living increases to keep apace with inflation, either. B. emnc fiv hj jdp38v kig id xivjf cxji xv romeo
“There is no friend as loyal as a book. And there is no book as loyal as a friend. Wait. That doesn’t make sense. Barkeep, another round!” — Ernest Hemingway
Preparation: Each player chooses one token to represent themself while traveling around the board. Tokens include: Oat Milk, iPhone with Cracked Screen, Weed Gummy Bear, Podcast Microphone, Ill-Fitting Bridesmaid Dress (must replace after each use), Zoloft Tablet, Laughing Crying Face Emoji, Thimble – Each player starts with $1,500, but some players must give the Banker $100 every 10 minutes, in an effort to pay off their student debt.
This year, our tie-dye I Love The Earth t-shirt features a smiling earth with a playful wink. You’ll notice that this is very different from last year’s I Love The Earth tie-dye t-shirt, which showed a smiling earth with both eyes closed. Let everyone know you care about sustainability, without getting caught wearing last year’s style!
I know I’ve never done marijuana before, but I hear the weed is different here, stronger, fancier, more European. Like people forget where they are and just wander the streets of Amsterdam, with time revealing itself as the manmade construct it’s always been. People say you’ll learn to live fully in the moment, and everything else falls away, like an ear falling off someone’s head.
MICK JAGGER: I can’t get no satisfaction. THERAPIST: Isn’t this starting to feel a bit repetitive for you? MICK JAGGER: I can’t get no girl reaction. THERAPIST: That doesn’t sound like what you told me in last week’s session.
Don’t Trust Anybody: When shit’s falling apart, don’t trust anybody. Don’t trust your friends, don’t trust your mother, don’t trust your husband. If you’re going to trust anyone, only trust me when I say not to trust anyone. And more!
The One Where They Spend Thanksgiving In The Hospital After Rachel’s Trifle Activates Ross’ IBS, The One Where Ross Lectures About How Turkeys Are Related To Dinosaurs And Chandler Fakes An Aneurysm In Order To Leave The Table, The One Where Monica Gets a Prescription for Lexapro And Enjoys Thanksgiving For the First Time, and more!
Make encouraging sounds like “Mmhmm” or “Uh-huh.” You’ll probably want to alternate among a few different ones so it doesn’t sound like you’re meditating. Repeat whatever they say. You got this! No, don’t literally repeat it! Why did you do that? “I also lost my job”?!?! You didn’t lose your job! I meant that you should say something like: “What I’m hearing is that you lost your job.” Jeez.
Other Things to Note: The air conditioner is busted, so you might find yourself wearin’ next to nothing ‘cause it’s hot as an oven. Also, the whole shack shimmies when everybody’s movin’ around. Will this be an issue? Only if you find yourselves having a pure and innocent dance party!