Updates on Your Dad’s New Year’s Resolutions

I'm already so much better looking than all of my friends, do I really want to be in better shape, too? I tried flossing every day, but you said I was embarrassing you in front of your friends. And more!

New Year's Resolutions From 2020 That Aged So Poorly

Sell that treadmill, join a gym! Divest in Zoom, Invest in United Airlines, Open-mouth kiss a stranger on the subway, and more!

Obituaries for Your New Years Resolutions

Exercise More, thirty seconds old, passed away of exhaustion from a light run on an elliptical machine at an LA Fitness, when you felt so sore that you decided you never wanted to exercise again or at least until 2021, when this cycle will inevitably repeat.

Unfulfilled New Year's Resolutions (So Far)

Just go out and buy a new coat when the coat you're wearing gets too much blood on it; treat yourself, you've earned it.