I’m Dumping You for a Capybara Named Fabio

I wasn’t expecting you, but now that you’re here, I’ve got something to tell you. There’s no easy way to say it. I’ve started dating a capybara, so you and I are over.

Stop laugh-sputtering. I’m absolutely not making this up. Look, here’s a picture of him. His name is Fabio. Yes, Fabio. Because Americans can’t pronounce Hydrochoerus Hydrochaeris, that’s why.

Well, there are lots of reasons to choose him over you. First of all, he doesn’t bug me about my weight. Female capybaras weigh more than males, so he’ll never eye my Dubai chocolate sundae and suggest I imagine how it will be when I’m carrying it around on my thighs.

No, it’s too late to apologize for that. Besides, there’s more. I like how chill he is. He’s definitely a no drama capybara. He doesn’t get annoyed when I take too long to put on my makeup, ask what he’s thinking about, or try to groom him.

I didn’t mean for all this to happen between me and Fabio, but the first day we met he scent-marked me by peeing on my leg and so I knew right away he was into me. After that it was always hard to think of him as just a friend. I agree, the scent-marking is a little weird, but I’m used to it now. I wear capri pants and flip flops so I don’t have to change my clothes. It’s called compromise. Maybe you’ve heard of that concept? Anyway, even if I had a problem with it, his sexy Brazilian accent makes up for it.

I’m sorry, but you knew it wasn’t working between us. You’re a morning person and I’m not. Fabio is active at dawn and dusk, so he doesn’t mind when I sleep in because we’ll party later on.

Yes, I already know capybaras eat their own feces and honestly, it’s a pleasure to watch somebody take their time and get so much enjoyment from eating. Not like you, you just wolf everything down and tell me to hurry up so we can go. I admit it was a pain last night at Les Petits Pois. They said he couldn’t bring his own food and he said he had allergies so they left him alone, but they kept staring at us. I think they spit in my French onion soup.

Of course our children would have webbed toes. So what? You need to stop watching those nature documentaries, they’re so bigoted. Besides, Fabio and I are just dating. Nobody’s talking about kids. It’s too early for all that.

Yes, I also know that capybaras are polygamous, and again, we’re just dating. Wait, what? I didn’t know you were into that. Because you wouldn’t watch Sister Wives. I see. You, me, and him?

Maybe I don’t know you as well as I thought. Wow. Give me a second to shift gears.

Sure, I’d be into it, but how do you feel about mating only in water? Really? Good thing I have a big tub. Come in. I’ll introduce you and we’ll take it from there.

Stop right there. Take off your shoes in the house. What are you, an animal?