Classy Alternatives for When Your Extra Virgin Olive Oil Isn’t Extra Enough

If you’re like me, you die a bit inside every time you see the words “extra-virgin olive oil” in a recipe. Sure, it’s a kitchen staple, but at this point it’s just passé. Like all real internet chefs, I’m always on the prowl for innovative ingredients just like the ones used by my cooking heroes, Salt Bae and that woman who makes meals by dumping a half-dozen cans of stuff on top of a brick of Velveeta. That’s why I’m so excited to share these exciting oil alternatives to give your dishes a tasty twist.


Extra-Extra Virgin Olive Oil: Instead of crushing olives to release the oil within, extra-extra virgin olive oil is made by asking the olives politely, gently massaging them, giving them LED light therapy treatment, and then crushing them. What a yum explosion! And it only costs four times as much.


Turtle Oil: I won a lifetime supply (three-quarters of a can) of Turtle Oil when I was the runner-up on the 1978 game show Hit the Money!, hosted by Canada’s #2 Bert Convy impersonator. It might be meant for pocket watch gears and katana scabbards, but it really adds a hint of brackish brininess that goes great with fish, pasta, or breakfast cereal. 


Banana Oil: Banana oil is my fave! It turns everything you cook into a dick joke, but a classy one. You know, like Shakespeare would have made in The Taming of the Shrew, if The Taming of the Shrew were a nice casserole. Try it with pork, or add just a sprinkle to your eclairs for an unexpected squelch.


Rainbow Truffle Oil: I used to wait all year for rainbow truffle oil, which is just like black or white truffle oil, but only available during Pride. But then I saw a big TV report about how rainbow truffle oil is TRYING to INDOCTRINATE my CHILDREN. And I don’t even have children, so it must be something really bad. Anyhow, I’m never using rainbow truffle oil again, and I’d like to apologize for being so divisive.


Pit Oil: You ever have a food that takes you straight back to your childhood? That’s what Pit oil is to me. It’s an equal mix of oils from the commodities in the original game of Pit: Wheat, Barley, Corn, Rye, Oats, Hay, and Flax. I’m not even sure how you’re supposed to use it, but my parents had some, and every so often we’d break it out, even though it was missing its lid. And now it’s back, so, I dunno, try it with kale. Everything’s content!


Oil of Olay: This is another case where the original is truly the best. Sure, you can get “Olay” in sleek, modern packaging, but if you’re serious about cooking, you have to find some genuine Oil of Olay from before 1999, when the name changed. (I’ve had great luck asking around the ladies’ auxiliary of the local hoarders’ club.) It will really give your stir-fries a youthful glow.


Duck feather oil: If you’re trying to lose weight like I am, you absolutely have to try duck feather oil. It has this chemical that can make your food waterproof, so the things you eat are actually going to pass through your body without being absorbed—or even changing shape. The pounds will melt right off!


Cauliflower oil: Cauliflower can do anything! Use it to replace rice, mashed potatoes, macaroni and cheese, or even pizza dough. Cauliflower oil is just as good for frying, and when you use it, you feel like Gwyneth Paltrow.


Ol’ Ivy Oil: I have hated poison ivy ever since I was six years old and my stuffed animals kept making me flower bouquets from it. But when you take the oils that cause those itchy rashes and age them for about five years, it mellows the effect down to this gorgeous tingling sensation in the mouth. Just like fugu, the Japanese pufferfish that’s a delicacy if prepared right and deadly if not.


Fugu oil: This is exactly the opposite of poison ivy oil. The aging process only intensifies the poison in a fugu pufferfish, so if you make dishes with fugu oil you could kill somebody. (Not me, though. When I’m trying to get likes and subscribes, I’m immort