The Unbelievable New Spread for Conspiracy, Disease, and More
Governing your district or state should provide a delicious all-powerful feeling. But what about the uncomfortable weightiness of accountability? There’s no need to compromise with “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better!” No matter where or when you’re called to produce a rational response — inside a crisis of your own making, at a press conference, or at an undisclosed location near the The Capitol — you can now substitute the unbelievable catch phrase, “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better!”*
With 100% less substance than actual efforts to make things better, the sentiment “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better!” is the rich new way to respond to your recent decisions. For example, let’s say you choose to spread a succulent deception. What can you possibly say about the unsavory behavior of some who consume it? That’s easy. “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better!”
The possibilities are endless. What if you are the governor of Texas? Maybe deregulated utilities have left a bad taste in everyone’s mouth. This is the perfect situation to shout, “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better!”
Some detail-obsessed reporter will inevitably inquire, “What’s not better?”
Inspired by Don Quixote, you’ll say, “Windmills!”
The magic of “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better!” derives from our special, proprietary ingredient — known as It. Quite literally, the It in “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better!” can be whatever you want — whatever you can dream. And guess what? It is totally organic because it comes straight from the source, which is you.
When the people of Texas become enraged by a week without power in the freezing cold, placate them by lifting restrictions on restaurants and bars. Tell them to whip off their masks and laugh away their cares! Cases will spread, and you’ll exclaim, “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better!”
The busy-body journalist will say, “What’s not better?”
You’ll say, “The decimal point in these numbers! It keeps rolling to the right. Don’t you see? The socialists are behind this. They’re taking over our territory.” Spreading something new really is that simple.
What’s the secret? The creaminess! This unique product is so malleable because it is totally fact-free. Spread it all over any proceedings that seem too healthy or too dry. This spreadable wonder is also available in spray aerosol droplets or to wield as a stick. With no good facts, no bad facts and (most importantly) no trans facts, you’ll enjoy 70% less residue than fact-based products. “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better!” gives you the best of both worlds — all the decadence of clean hands and not a care in the world about your heart health.
*For best quality, due to a tendency to over-explain It, thereby freezing the word’s meaning, Democrats are not recommended to enjoy “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Better!” This product is recommended to be used only at the temperature of the room you’re in.
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K.E. Flann has published two award-winning short story collections. Her prose has appeared in McSweeney’s, Points in Case, Defenestration, and other publications. A guide book for movie monsters, How to Survive a Human Attack, is out now from Running Press (Hachette). Currently, she teaches at Johns Hopkins University. A craft book, Write On: Critical Tips for Aspiring Authors, was released by Stay Thirsty Publishing.