9 Things That Are Definitely More Responsible For School Shootings Than Guns

Texas Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick says there are too many entrances and exits to schools, and that is why shootings are able to happen. “Had there been one single entrance possibly for every student, maybe he would have been stopped.” May 18th, 2018

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Hands

School shootings happen because bad people use their hands to fire weapons. The solution seems as obvious as an elephant on a skateboard, doesn’t it? All we have to do is designate schools “hands-free zones.” Using twine or duct tape, students’ hands will be bound for the duration of the school day. As an added bonus, this should also help discourage cell phone use in class. If they absolutely must have an extra hand to, say, use the bathroom, we’ll implement the buddy system.

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Feelings

I think we can all agree that teenagers feel way too much these days. With their bodies growing and those hormones bouncing around in there, they’re all just a bunch of emotional nuclear missiles waiting to launch. So, rather than restrict a basic, metal machine that is in no way sentient, we should instead focus on minimizing those feelings. We can either task parents with dosing their kids’ breakfast cereal with antipsychotic meds, or simply bang each kid over the head every morning as they walk into a school with a safe but effective head-banging apparatus.

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Shoes

Let’s face it, the main reason these school shooters were able to kill so many people in such a short period of time was because they were all wearing shoes. If they had been barefoot, their traction wouldn’t have been nearly good enough for any of their hundreds of rounds to make contact with a person. Watch how quickly these shooting occurrences drop away when we implement a “leave your shoes at the door” policy. Not only will it end the carnage, it’ll keep schools scuff and dirt-free!

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Backpacks

Having something that holds a bunch of other things IN SCHOOL?! That’s just madness. I mean, at this point you’d have to be blind not to see the writing on the wall. And don’t give me any of that “what about clear backpacks” crap. Haven’t you heard of see-through guns? Me neither, but I’m sure they’re out there, because guns are awesome! The only way to fix this problem is do away with bags altogether, and kids can just carry their books and pens and calculators and laptops and poster-board projects, like they used to in the olden days. If it was good enough for our grandparents it’s good enough for them.

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Yoga Pants

They’re the gateway to temptation and thus the root of all evil. It clearly says so in the Bible.

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Taco Tuesday

it’s a proven fact that all school shooters are fervently pro-taco. If tacos were served everyday rather than just one day a week, their mounting frustration with the world would’ve been appeased, and countless lives would’ve been saved.

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Gym class

Nobody likes gym class, so it’s probably best we do away with that too, just to be safe.

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Teachers

Anyone who’s had to do a book report on “The Scarlet Letter” or a presentation on the Franco-Prussian War knows how easily teachers can fuel rage. What’s worse, none of them seem to know how to utilize a gun when under siege, so they’re really just taking up space in schools. Why not replace them with robots that not only come outfitted with all the lesson plans ever written, but are fully armed with no less than 7 semi-automatic weapons? They certainly won’t hesitate to shoot if they perceive any sort of threat. No room for error there!

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Schools

We’ve been staring the problem in the face for so long, we’ve missed the most obvious solution. If there are no schools, there can be no school shootings. Instead, all kids will be homeschooled and get to spend way more time with their parents. Social interactions may be somewhat limited, but that’s a small price to pay for constant safety. Of course, parents will also want to keep a loaded gun in the house in case school shooters get wise to this plan. With all these precautions in place, the 2nd Amendment’s future looks incredibly bright.

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