I’m the Bear from the Woods, and Bumble Wants Me to Be Their New CEO

“The question, directed towards women, seems simple: Would you rather be alone in the woods with a man or a bear? A good number of women prefer the bear.” ~CNN

“Bumble to Users: You Need Sex. Users to Bumble: Get Lost.” ~The New York Times

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Unless you’ve been living in a hole in the ground, you’ve probably already heard of me. I’m the Bear that a majority of women say they would rather encounter in the woods than a human man. (Unrelated: I actually do live in a hole in the ground.)

 

I’ve recently been approached by the dating app company Bumble. They’re having some problems with women–similar problems that human men seem to have with women. Neither Bumble nor human men can figure out what women want. They were both hoping it would be straight-up sex, but the women are not responding positively to that pressure from either party.

 

Out of desperation to save its flailing “feminist” dating app, Bumble just offered me a position as their next CEO.

 

First, I said, “What’s a CEO?”

 

Then, I said, “I’m a bear.”

 

Next, I said, “I live in a hole in the ground,” because I was afraid they might want me to move to New York.

 

Then I said, “Wait, is your logo a beehive full of delicious honey?”

 

The Bumble people told me to focus and asked me what I think women want. They said, “All the women keep picking you over human men, so you must know.” I told them I don’t believe there’s one simple answer to what all women want because women are whole and unique human beings who have a variety of goals and desires and preferences.

 

I did have some ideas, though, about what women might NOT want, and I was willing to share my bear perspective on that in case it could help human men reconsider some of their habits that might be working against them in the dating market. For example, as a bear:

 

• I don’t ride a motorcycle.
• I don’t speak in weird cliches about partners in crime or fluency in sarcasm.
• I don’t lie about my height.
• When I catch a fish, I just eat the fish. I don’t need to get all performative about it and take selfies with the fish and whatnot.
• I own my den and have no need for money, so I never ask women for money or a place to crash.
• As a hibernating animal, I respect the importance of good sleep, so I don’t text women late at night and say, “You up?”
• I never try to mate with juvenile bears. That’s disgusting.

 

I also mentioned that when women want to be left alone, I just leave them alone.

 

The Bumble people eyed me suspiciously and said, “What’s your game, Bear?”

 

I said, “There is no game. I don’t think women want to play games. I think women just want to be treated like other bears and sometimes left alone when they say so.”

 

The Bumble people looked at me strangely and cocked their heads back and forth the way I’ve seen confused wolves do, and I thought I was getting through to them, but then all of a sudden they screamed, “WAIT!!! We’ve got it!!! We know what women want: THEY WANT TO DATE AI BOTS!” and then they just left.

 

So I guess I’m not going to be the CEO of Bumble after all, which is fine. To be honest, I was relieved when they left. After meeting with the Bumble people I totally get why women keep picking me.