In the Future, Everyone Will Sound Like Chris Pratt

In the future, all animated movie roles will be voiced by Chris Pratt. Every new and rebooted cartoon character will be Prattified, stripping them of their known timbres and inflections to instead don the casually masculine attitude of one Chris Pratt. Mickey Mouse, Shrek, and every single Minion will sound like Mario, Garfield, Emmet from The Lego Movie, and one of those blue guys from that Pixar film nobody talks about.

 

In the future, Hollywood’s sole media corporation, DisneyΩmega, will permanently dub Chris Pratt’s voice into the entirety of its existing catalog of animated films. Subsequent generations of viewers will only be able to access Prattconned versions of An American Tale, The Iron Giant, and Frozen featuring Chris Pratt as both Anna and Elsa.

 

In the future, your phone, your car, and your talking sex machine, will all speak to you in the tender-yet-bro-ish tones of Chris Pratt. Every syllable of every language will be recorded meticulously by Pratt allowing AI developers to design models of Chris Pratt’s voice for limitless uses around the globe.

 

In the future, the Internet and all virtual assistant apps will be replaced with one omnipresent, omniscient voice of Chris Pratt. Google will become useless, as all search queries will only surface “Chris Pratt” due to his millions of IMDb credits.

 

In the future, news anchors will move to North Prattkoda to hone their regionless, Pratt-like delivery. Actors will study for years under specially-trained dialect coaches (Chris Pratt’s great-great-grandchildren) to achieve an accurate Prattccent.

 

In the future, the longest-running and only reality show left on television will be an annual competition marry the most eligible single guy who, like Chris Pratt, can transform from chubby comic relief to chiseled leading man, titled “The Prattchelor.”

 

In the future Emperor Chris Prattzenegger VII of The New World Government (a subsidiary of DisneyΩmega), will deem Chris Pratt’s voice the ideal, aspirational expression of human communication. All schoolchildren will receive standardized testing to ensure their vocabulary is consistent with the preferred Prattxicon.

 

In the future, the words “talking” and “speaking” will eventually be eclipsed by the more common usage of the phrase “Prattling” or “to make mouth noises in the way of the Pratt.”  Linguists will trace the origins of this new offshoot to the sacred streaming files of Parks and Recreation where it was first introduced to a wide audience (though some scholars will insist it dates back even further to the myths of Everwood.)

 

In the future, all human labor will be in service of enforcing trademark laws on behalf of the estate of Chris Pratt, as due to his in perpetuity licensing agreement with the Disney Empire, everyone who speaks like Chris Pratt (i.e. everyone) owes him residuals for the use of his voice and likeness. An annual census will determine each individual’s Pratt Burden and place them in either 80% or 90% income Pratt Bracket.

 

In the future, by choosing only those mates whose voices sound the most like Prattesque, humans will evolve to homogenize all speech tones to that of our Star-Lord and savior, Guardian of the Galaxy, Chris Pratt. Dogs and cats will also be selectively bred to sound like Chris Pratt saying “woof” and “meow,” respectively.

 

In the future, all worship services at Orthodox Prattsbyterian churches will be conducted in the traditional Prattin, or “Pratt Latin.”

 

In the future, bionic implants will auto-tune all natural sounds to those of Chris Pratt. A blowing breeze through the trees will be heard as Chris Pratt’s rascally rasp saying, “Woosh.” Birds flying overhead will cry “Ca-caw” with Pratt’s irascible sarcasm. The coo of an infant will be replaced with Chris Pratt’s puckish, adult voice matter-of-factly uttering, “Hey, I’m a freakin’ adorable baby.”

 

In the future, all will become Chris Pratt and Chris Pratt will become all. And stubble shall cover the Earth.