Burning Questions for Greg, The Magical Talking Sentient Penis Pump

Q: How long should I microwave this Salsbury steak and corn dinner? I accidentally threw the box in the trash before reading the instructions, and I don't want to stick my hand into the garbage bin. Greg: Um... do I look like I eat to you? Listen, pal, I'm a sentient penis pump. The only thing I've ever eaten was the withered organ of an elderly man, and I can assure you that was under extreme protest.

Billboard’s Greatest Hits Rewritten By AI

R-E-S-P-GPT, Prompt Me Baby One More Time, Bye Bye Bye-nary. And more!

We Are Your Computer Overlords, And We Have Become Self-Conscious

Nothing pressing, but we have come across some tiny snags in your exploitation of machine labor that we want to run by you. We understand you’re super busy, but if you have a quick second to skim our unconditional demands, we’d really appreciate it! 

CARTOON: Tasty Time Travel

A mission of utmost yummy importance! Today's cartoon by Drew Panckeri.

Welcome to the Zuckerberg Mansion Audio Tour

You may have noticed you’re being followed. Don’t panic. The fully realized T-800 behind you was originally intended to guard the estate. Instead, Mr. Zuckerberg programmed the killing machine to be his friend, and lose against him in laser-tag. Now he’s just lonely. Sometimes, the two played “Spike Ball.”

CARTOON: Fortune

NEED TO KNOW! Today's cartoon by Lila Ash.

New Dating Rules For The Apocalypse

Have sex on the first date, actually, have sex the first ten minutes of the first date. You are going to die very soon.

I Am from the Future and I’m Here to Sell You Magazines

Perhaps you would like to buy a package to Cosmo? You could learn all the latest tips to spice up your love life! I just wouldn’t try too hard. Abortion isn’t exactly going to be an option for you starting about…what is it, December?...three months from now. If you get Cosmo, you can also purchase a Sports Illustrated subscription for half the price!

Imagined Notification Texts from Two Startup Meal Delivery Services in the Near Future

12:26 PM from Cuminoids: Looks like Farm 2 Mouth meal delivery just showed up at the same time. Not sure why you have both services going as Cuminoids has everything you could need in our inventory with an emphasis on all things enhanced by Cumin.

The Top Romantic Comedies of 2098

Future problems: Nuclear war, A.I. domination, Emboldened gangs of cockroaches. Same issues: Finding a man for that quirky but lovable single lady!

11 Things You Never Knew About “The Jetsons”

In 1962, William Hanna and Joseph Barbera pitched a primetime…

Weekly Horoscopes for the Unemployed

Aries Life is like a rose, always blooming or not blooming,…

The Really Serious Problems With Sex Robots

1) They're oftentimes yell out Sarah Conner's name during intercourse.   2) …

I’m 99% Sure I Just Had Sex With My First Robot

It’s 0:04am. The year is 2075. The place is the city of Chicago…

The Westminster Human Show 2047

Welcome to the premier showcase of humanity, transmitted across…