SOAP OPERA UPDATE! The Soapy Scoop On All Your Favorite Shows!

General Kim Hospital– Despite never getting sick, the honorable and beloved leader Kim Jong-un visits the hospital, only because it contains a Wendy’s in the food court. There are other characters on the show as well, but none have story lines of any interest, as they all pale in comparison to the gold-hued glory of our magical leader. The magnificent yet compassionate Kim is discovered to have an evil twin, who has been going on TV and pretending to befriend the evil American leader, Donald Trump. Ten minutes of silence in the middle of the episode to pay respect to our kind, handsome, god-like leader.

All My Children Are Unattractive And Useless, Except For That One Girl– The slightly smarter son, despite being slightly smarter, nonetheless makes a series of staggeringly stupid decisions. The incredibly idiotic, though seemingly innocent, other son cannibalizes yet another prostitute in the basement of the White House. Villainous ringleader Donald controls the destiny of a nation, yet can’t manage to produce one single coherent thought in the space of several years. The mysterious and elusive Melania smirks and chuckles to herself as all of the pieces in her grand scheme begin to fall into place. One of the senators fears that his homosexual secret will soon be discovered, but which one is it? Or is it all of them? Barr calls in sick to work for another day.

The Young & Arrested- Miguel finds that his emotions are feeling a bit caged, as well as his kids. His kids are in cages as well. Olivia is worried about the secret formula that has fallen into Victor’s hands, but is distracted by the fact that her offspring have been placed into cages by the American President. Everyone is shocked to discover that not only does Eduardo have an evil twin, but he’s just been arrested for attempting to enter America for sanctuary, and is fact not really that evil, particularly when compared to his jailers. Alexandria is shocked to discover that Hector is seemingly back from the dead, as his healthcare in America isn’t very good at all.

Days Of Our Lies– Evil land baron Dante, although cruel and intolerant to a horrifying, inhuman degree, still marvels with disgust and terror at Trump and his followers. Both Simone and her evil twin decide to put their differences aside in order to attend a protest march in front of the White House. Alabama scientist Dr. Dallas Westlake discovers a method of determining which fetuses will be born evil, so that at least some abortions will still be safe and legal in his state.