Increasingly Specific Metaphors for Life

Life is a high school prom and no one asked you to be their date.

 

Life is a dream and you showed up to work wearing no pants.

 

Life is an orgy and we’re all getting screwed.

 

Life is an ice skating rink and you wore flip-flops.

 

Life is an orgy and everyone is getting screwed except for me.

 

Life is an orgy and I’m standing awkwardly in the corner at the orgy snack table watching everyone else get screwed.

 

Life is an orgy with terrible snacks.

 

Life is an orgy and I wasn’t really invited, but showed up anyway.

 

Life is an orgy and my hot friend Hannah was actually invited by these two dudes at the bar, but she didn’t want me to feel left out, even though they were clearly only inviting her. So I gaslighted myself into believing it would be a good experience, and anyways my therapist has been telling me to get out of my comfort zone.

 

Life is an orgy and when he said “get out of my comfort zone,” I think my therapist was thinking more along the lines of Paint ‘N Pour. Or maybe a bowling league.

 

Life is an orgy and the couple in front of me just asked me to be their third, but it turns out they were actually asking the girl standing behind me.

 

Life is an orgy and I want to leave.

 

Life is an orgy and would it be rude to just sneak out the back door?

 

That was not an orgy pun.

 

It was a cry for help.

 

Life is an orgy and I’m kind of stuck here until Hannah is finished because she is my ride home.

 

Life is like a river, with constant ebbs and flows and weird fish shaped like penises.

Life is an orgy and I’m trying really hard to think of nice imagery of rivers so I don’t have a panic attack but all I can think of is weird dick fish with three eyes.

 

Life is an orgy and I’m hyperventilating in the corner.

 

Life is an orgy and that guy over there is getting fucked in the ass.

 

Life is an orgy and I’m staying home next Tuesday.