Truly Terrible Signs That Summer Is Definitely Here

It’s too hot to leave your sex-doll in the car while you run into the convenience store.

Trump has changed color from orange to slightly darker orange.

The videos on YouPorn are all reruns.

Your dad spends most of his hours in your childhood tree house, staring at sunbathing neighbors.

The candies in the back of your windowless van are all soft and gooey.

All the ladies are wearing less clothing, allowing tantalizing peeks of cleavage and colostomy bags.

The seasonal aromas of barbecues and book burnings fill the weekend air.

More drive-by shootings at the public pool.

Detainee’s at the American border get to have a few ice cubes tossed into their trough of water.

The chlorine in the pool kills your crabs, allowing you to finally update your Tinder profile.

Your Nazi white-power haircut is at last seasonally appropriate.