Instructions for My Inclusion in the Oscars In Memoriam Section
My segment should be introduced by a luminary, or at the very least a notable. Their delivery should be stoic yet visibly upset, in order to convey the spirit I possessed on the dance-floor. In their opening remarks they should mention my accomplishments, many of which were related to the rewards program at CVS. If time allows they can mention my education.
If possible I would like my section of the montage to be nominated for Best Picture the following year. Unconventional? Sure, but a fitting tribute to a recently deceased pharmacy patron? Absolutely. The segment should be impassioned, inspiring but never losing its sense of playfulness. Fades and novelty star wipe affects should be used with near reckless abandon. It should evoke the very best of French New Wave while also feeling impossibly modern, almost ahead of its time. It’s cinematic artistry inspiring the creation of a new generation of filmmakers skilled in the art of memoriam montage. Also it should go viral.
During the first of five to seven emotional climaxes, the camera team will cut to a table of my loved ones, it will zoom in on my Aunt Karen who at that very moment will remember that she forgot my 26th birthday, a single tear falling poetically down her cheek. All my exes will be seated at a table behind, their faces blurred not because it was a contractual requirement for the broadcast but because their genuine, yet almost excessive, crying will blurry their regretful faces. Afterwards they will bond by their collective realization that they will never be able to do better than me and make a strong celibacy pact.
Highlights of my life that make it into the reel should include, but are not limited to: the one time in 2012 when I packed well for a trip, footage from when I came in 2nd at trivia night, and the one time I paralleled parked (in a dream). Contrary to what Meghan in Accounting says, it should also include that time I DID open that infamously stuck jar of peanut butter. (production note: quick zoom in on jar, mic’d to pick up the pop of the lid, audible background cheers) As indicated in my will, I am open to sponsorship from brands if there’s a natural tie in.
While not typical of these segments, I would like the Academy to consider including moments of some of my admirers discussing me. Some of these admirers will need to be informed of this status as they have not yet publicly shown the level of admiration that I believe they possess for me. I believe you have Meryl Streep’s contact information?
The segment should end with a moment of silence. During the moment of silence Technotronic’s “Pump up the Jam” should play.
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Rodney Uhler is a writer in New York who’s work has appeared in McSweeneys, GQ, Paper Magazine, Slackjaw and others. He is of average height.
