Originals

It’s The Great Resignation, Charlie Brown: Linus Puts His Two Weeks in at Charlie Brown’s Vape Shop

Charlie Brown, I really hate to do this. I’m putting my two weeks in. That means I quit, Chuck. I talked about it extensively with my parents, but everytime they opened their mouths to give me advice on my career path, all they ever said was wah-wah-wah-wah–wah. But even without their support, I finally came to my senses after realizing how grossly underpaid I was when I discussed salaries with Snoopy, who apparently is also on our payroll and makes more than me. He doesn’t even come into the shop. So all in all, I think you’ll soon see that me leaving is for the best. What can I say? It’s the Great Resignation, Charlie Brown.

 

Chuck, I think you probably realized that this was a long-time coming. It hasn’t been the same since Peppermint Patty quit, and you know it. She quit not because of the bad work culture or the spirit of the Great Resignation, but because you vaguely friend-zoned her for 50 years. Pat was a master at the register, AND she was always breaking records selling the peppermint juice pods. Once she left to chase her passion becoming a freelance boom operator for a Billy on the Street spin-off, I missed having a buddy to vent to by the bong case. Also, you’d be lying to yourself if you think we can find a better baseball team captain for the vape shop rec league at this point in the season. And while my blanket is the only companion I’ll ever truly need, you weren’t willing to let me keep him around on the job. You said it messed with your brand’s image, yet selling to underage high school kids was okay? I think it’s my turn to say “good grief.”

 

Without Peppermint Patty to hang around with, all the shortcomings of my job suddenly became glaringly obvious: the long hours, the lack of health insurance, the “work hard, play hard” mentality you pushed on all of us. For someone who was depressed all throughout their youth, I expected way less of that LinkedIn bullshit from you, Chuck. Also, this is a fucking vape shop, Charlie Brown, I’m not trying to “grind” in the morning when I’m making minimum wage. I have a family to support. Are you still mad I married your sister Sally? I finally give her a chance after watching her throw herself at me all through elementary school, and what now? Here I am, 10 years later, with four kids and a wife who won’t stop binging trash reality shows. I’M the one who should be moping around seeking advice from every neighborhood kid in sight, not you!

 

And what am I going to do next? Well let me ask you something. Who’s an adult man with a blanket that sucks his thumb entering FUNemployment? This guy! Come on Charlie Brown, having a job lined up after you quit these days is so old school. Besides, I get paid more on unemployment while doing TikTok dances to Schroeder’s piano ballads than what I made working minimum wage at this vape shop. Me and Blanky are probably going to take the next six months or so, take some acid (Woodstock has a plug), walk aimlessly around a pumpkin patch and try to see the Great Pumpkin. I can already feel the nine singular hairs rise on the back of my head just thinking about it. Maybe I’ll even take some time to learn how to kick a football since you’ve never been able to. I’d invite you, but hey, looks like you got work to do around here finding a new employee.



 

Speaking of finding a new employee, I’ve got some advice for you to get someone else from the applicant pool of neighborhood kids. First of all, lighten up. You’re always so sad saying ‘“good grief!” Lucy’s therapy services are 5 cents, which is still the lowest price out there! Have you not been going lately? One more thing, you’ve got to start looking into some Rogaine. People addicted to nicotine who come to this vape shop don’t want to buy their drugs from a depressed bald guy! If you do all of that and I don’t know, pay us a living wage, then you’ll find a replacement for me in no time.

 

Since I’m leaving, I’ll do you a favor and leave a Glassdoor for the shop. Do I recommend this place? Sure, if you’re not interested in any career growth in the vape industry. Hmmm, would I recommend this CEO? Well, if he takes all my advice and discovers a wig and dishes out some more benefits, yeah I guess. AAUGH! When you’re consistently getting 6:30am Slack notifications about a shipment of peach green tea vape juice coming in when your shift doesn’t start until 9, it starts to eat away at you, Chuck. So I’d say overall, I’d give this place 3 stars. Sorry, Charlie Brown, that’s just the Great Resignation.

 

 

by Emily Kapp

Emily Kapp is a comedy writer based in Chicago. You can read more of her work at emilykapp.journoportfolio.com.

by Daniel Stillman

Daniel Stillman

Daniel Stillman is a Chicago-based humor writer and copywriter. He’s a graduate of The Second City Satire Writing Program. His work can be seen in Weekly Humorist, Little Old Lady Comedy, Robot Butt, Funny-ish, and Flexx Mag.