Best of 2023

Santa’s 9-1-1 Call Transcripts

The Video Incident At the Workshop

  • 911: 911, what’s your emergency?

  • Santa: Ho – I mean, Hi. I have a disgruntled employee down at my workshop I want to turn over to the police.

  • 911: What did the employee do to you, sir?

  • Santa: It’s Santa and yes, that one. You have to help me! You know, it’s our busy season up at the shop and I wanted to make sure everyone gets their Playstation 5’s boxed, wrapped, and a little bit of holiday spirit sprinkled on.

  • 911: Yeah, I’ve heard about it. I can’t help you unless you give me more context.

  • Santa: Well, one of my elves on the assembly line got way too big for his britches, and I caught him licking the candy canes that were supposed to go in poor children’s stockings because they’re not paid a minimum wage where they can afford their own food. I had to teach him a lesson, so I started berating him in front of all the other elves. He deserved it! And suddenly, I look, I see another naughty elf video-taping me during the whole encounter!

  • 911: What’s the problem?

  • Santa: You’re not allowed to tape in the workshop, I’m extremely camera shy despite my day job at the mall.

  • 911: Okay can you describe this suspect?

  • Santa: He’s 2 feet, 5 inches, big ears, pointy hat, I promise I can pick him out of a line down at the station. His name is Pepper Minstix. How fast can you get here? All the elves are starting to giggle and body shame me.

  • 911: Mr. Claus it’s going to be really difficult for us to get up to the North Pole right now. We’re too busy answering calls about Black kids shopping at Trader Joe’s.

  • Santa: NO! Now they’re uploading the video to TikTok! I’m about to get canceled!

The Sleigh Crash

  • 911: 911, what’s your emergency?

  • Santa: I’ve just gotten into a tragic car crash that was NOT my fault, and I need the police down here to file a report for insurance purposes ASAP.

  • 911: Are all parties alright?

  • Santa: Yes, it was a close one and I’m a bit shaken up, but everyone seems to have left the crash unscathed.

  • 911: Good. Can you please state your name, and tell me the location of the crash so we know where to send our crew?

  • Santa: Name’s Santa Claus. And we’re on the corner of Gum Drop Lane and Martin Luther King Boulevard.

  • 911: Thank you. Is there much damage to one or both vehicles?

  • Santa: There is a microscopic scratch on the back bumper of my sleigh.

  • 911: Your what?

  • Santa: My sleigh. Did I stutter, Scrooge? I promise if the police just come up here and squint really hard, they will see the life-changing damage and they’ll be put on the Nice List for next year.

  • 911: Sir, I understand you may be shaken up, but please be civil. How do you know it is microscopic? Is it not visible to you?

  • Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I see you when you’re awake. Surely I can also see microscopic scratches on my sleigh’s bumper.

  • 911: Thanks for clarifying. Sir, it sounds like this other party lightly tapped your sleigh’s bumper. We unfortunately do not have the staff to be able to come up there and write a report today.

  • Santa: But I need to file a claim and get a brand new 2024 sleigh during the Happy Honda Days!

The Attempted Murder By Poisonous Cookie

  • 911: 911, what’s your emergency?

  • Santa: Hi, I’d like to report an attempted murder.

  • 911: Okay. First of all, are you okay? Are you still in danger?

  • Santa: I am currently in the murderer’s chimney after fleeing their kitchen, where the crime began to unfold.

  • 911: I’m so sorry sir. What is your name and from what location are you calling?

  • Santa: My name is Santa Claus, and I am currently at the Smith family home, who reside at 592 Chestnut Street.

  • 911: Thank you. Are there weapons present?

  • Santa: Yes. Non-gluten free cookies. A whole plate of them.

  • 911: Can you please repeat that, sir?

  • Santa: The weapon used in the attempted murder were NON gluten-free cookies. AKA, a cookie that contained gluten. It’s basically poison.

  • 911: A cookie is not considered a weapon. Sir, how is your mental state? How did you get in the chimney?

  • Santa: A cookie is ABSOLUTELY an assault weapon, SIR, and I don’t appreciate you talking down to me. I am gluten-free, and the Smith family was trying to murder me with the cookies they laid out. This was a hit job from the people who started the War on Christmas.

  • 911: Sir, remain in the chimney. We’ll be sending the authorities over ASAP to arrest you for trespassing.

  • Santa: No, wait! Don’t you know who I am?! I can’t be seen like this. The magic’s gonna be gone!