So the government has finally come out and admitted that UFO’s are a real thing. Sure, that’s mind-blowing, but don’t get distracted. Now we need to prepare ourselves for the day that they make their introductions, and who knows how much time we have before that happens? It’s in this spirit that we present these handy tips on how to behave when our universal neighbors pop in for a quick visit.
Don’t Attempt To Trick Them Into Doing Chores Around Your House
This may very well make for a funny video to post on Instagram, not to mention a way to free up some time on a Saturday afternoon, but best not to risk it. These fellas might have long ago evolved past using humor as a societal coping device, and may have ray-guns as well.
Put Your Pets Up For The Duration Of The Visit
No, we’re not going to make an allusion to aliens possibly eating your pets; that would be crass and presumptuous. No, what we’re suggesting is that the likely scenario of barking animals may very well insinuate an unintended threat of hostility, which would best be avoided if possible. And by this line of reasoning, now that we think about it, you should probably put Grampa in the basement for a bit as well.
Keep It Classy-ish
If you decide to invite our friends from beyond the stars into your home for a casual chat, please do your best to make a good impression. For example, best to keep the tv off, but if you must keep it on, steer clear of things like The Bachelor and Fox News. I mean, c’mon… you’re just making the rest of us look bad.
Don’t Try To Sell Them On Your Particular Religious Beliefs
Remember, the idea here is to not do or say anything that may result in the complete and utter destruction of our planet / species.
Try Not To Mention The Anal Probing Stuff
Listen, they were just going through a phase back then; think of it as a sort of mid-life crisis thing. They feel kind of weird about it now, no reason to bring it up.
Please, Please Don’t Try To Seduce Any Of The Extraterrestrials
Good Lord, do we even have to say this? If history teaches us anything, then the answer is yes, sadly. We realize that it’s been a dream of yours for years to bask in your promised fifteen minutes of fame by appearing on The Jerry Springer Show, but try not to drag our new universal allies down with you into the muck. Plus, your dad is only just now getting over the fact that you dated that Filipino guy in high school.
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Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence