I’m A Bath–This Election Season, Help Me Defeat April Showers As The Primary Bathing Method
For the past several centuries, showers have overtaken our country. Showers have taken the phrase “April showers bring May flowers” and weaponized it to control an entire country of people. Now look at the state of the bathroom. It’s a disgrace! Look at yourself in the mirror. There’s pubic hair everywhere, there’s black mold in the grout, and the water’s rising because of a clog. You deserve a better kind of body bathing during the month of April. You need…a bath.
In the news and mainSTREAM media, I have been ridiculed left and right about some missteps in my past. My critics claim that I’m too young and scrappy, and only kids take me. I’ve been accused of tepid and lukewarm bath water during the last election cycle. Some have even profiled me as really gross, because it feels like you’re sitting in your own filth. Showers have gone on campaigns and told crowds to “drain the swamp”–but, you know what? The water feels fine in here. I’m not the same bath I was four years ago. I have a lot more to offer now, like health care for all (hello, Dr. Teal’s!) and healthy, curtain-free trade relationships with other countries like my Italian counterpart, the Jacuzzi. Also, if you haven’t noticed, bubble baths are so back. We’re popping, baby. I mean, have you seen Pretty Woman? Bathing with me is a vote for relevance and progressiveness!
While I’m known for my squeaky clean reputation, guess what? I’m not afraid to play a little dirty. Now my leaky adversary, the shower, has been controlling the levels of our society in April for far too long. We are so tired of the indecisive leadership they’ve shown, are they hot, are they cold? Pick a side! People who like to shower aka “Showerheads,” say they love doing it because they like to “clear their head.” But those hollow, mean clean machines are misguided. The bathroom is for reading and enriching the mind. Why else do you think there are 10-year-old People magazines next to the toilet? Bath time is for reading steamy romance novels and it’s why the average bathtub bather has a higher IQ according to my research. When you’re with me, you have my commitment to one temperature. Besides the hot and cold temperament of my incumbent, we’ve seen the shower fall under pressure during an attack from a foreign enemy. Yes, I’m talking about the attack of someone flushing the toilet when someone’s in the shower, freezing them to death with ice cold water. It’s vital under my April Administration that we defend our borders. I’m not afraid to deploy my bath bombs if provoked!
One thing I don’t have to offer yet, is campaign merch. But that’s only because I haven’t been able to land on a slogan that I’m 100% passionate about. I’ve been kind of workshopping some slogans that could replace “April showers bring May flowers” for when I (hopefully) win. I haven’t landed on one just yet, but I really think I’m getting close. There’s “It’s Our Time: Bath Time,” which I really think could bring the party together. Make us feel as one unified pool of water, right? Then there’s “Baths For the People,” which I’m going back and forth on…on one hand, it’s a powerful stream, but on the other, it seems a little ripped off Les Mis, does it not? And then, I’ve also been toying with “Make America Take Baths Again” which I really think could look great monogrammed on a nice set of bath towels. Anything to spread the word!
Under my lead, we will clog the hate coming from the shower. I’m not afraid to reach across the tub and invite people over for a bath. It is as powerful of an act as bathing with your little brother or sister when you were 2 years old or if you’re a gay couple like Bert and Ernie. Additionally, I’m prioritizing conservation with my promise to bring back the rubber duckies back to America’s tubs, saving them from near extinction after the rise of the Shower Empire. The seas will be filled with Mother Goose and her little ducklings as you soak in your dirt and you’ll never feel better, I promise that. Finally, I promise to not just take this country forward, but take us back to a better time. That’s right, I’ll put our country back at #1 at producing the most hot tub time machines per capita.
Folks, I need you to ask yourself if you’re cleaner and happier than you were four Aprils ago, or at least, yesterday. It’s time we take down Big Shower and wash them down the drain of society. And you know what? We’re not afraid to knock before we enter this new era. Let’s take back the bathroom, they’ve been in there for too long anyway.
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Emily Kapp is a comedy writer based in Chicago. You can read more of her work at emilykapp.journoportfolio.com.
