Late Night TV Hosts React to The Crucifixion of Jesus Christ
Real Time with Bill Maher
“I’m sorry, but if you call yourself the so-called “Son of God” shouldn’t you — and I’m just spitballing here — use your almighty powers to get down from that cross — or are God’s powers not genetic? Must’ve had stage fright, I guess. The alpha and the omega? More like the whimpy beta — okay?”
The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon
“You guys hear about this? A man named Jesus was killed today for claiming to be the son of God. Yeah. Awful. When asked for comment, God pointed and said, ‘Look, a dinosaur!’ And ran away.”
Jimmy Kimmel Live
“I don’t know if you heard but a man was crucified today for saying he was God’s son. My question is, where was the mother in all this? You would think she would pop in at the last second and say, ‘Listen, about your father being God. I may have stretched the truth a bit.’ Single mothers everywhere just went, ‘Hey, now there’s an idea.'”
Colin Jost: A man was killed in Judea on Friday who claimed to be the Son of God. Oh, wait, you hear that? That’s the ghost of The Maury Show saying, “I told you so.”
Michael Che: What I don’t get is why kill the guy? What did they think would happen? People would just forget and move on? Yeah, cause that worked real well for O.J.
Colin Jost: Also, it kinda seems like you do think he’s the son of God. Why else have him killed unless you felt a little threatened. You know what won’t convince people he’s not the son of God? Using the justice system to commit murder.
Tucker Carlson Tonight
“Jesus of Nazareth, by all accounts, was just a simple, hard working carpenter. That is until today when he was crucified by a violent Jewish mob. Of course, his trial before the Sanhedrin was a sham to begin with. Pontius Pilate, the corrupt governor of Judea, was just a puppet for the evil Jewish elders. So, let me ask you this: If they could kill the Son of God, what’s to stop them from killing you?”
The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
“Folks, there’s no denying today is a dark day. I’m reminded of the words of Joseph in the Bible, ‘You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to keep many people alive.’ Yeah, Or in Gen Z TikTok speak: No cap, this is all part of God’s plan A.F.”
Last Week Tonight with John Oliver
“We begin tonight with The Crucifixion of Jesus. A collection of words that on its own sounds like your older brother’s shitty garage band.
If you don’t mind, I’d like to talk directly to the Sanhedrin tribunal. Hi. John here. I just have one small question. Did it ever occur to you, what if he was the son of God? Yeah. Think on that. You just killed God’s son.
Look, I realize this is a touchy subject for many viewers but regardless of where you may stand, what happened to Jesus was simply reprehensible. This was a man who devoted his entire life to helping the poor. He brought humanity to the lepers and spoke purely about the teachings of God. The man did nothing wrong!
Seriously, the only thing Jesus was guilty of was… having a killer bod, I mean, look at those abs! Yeah, wash away my sins you ethereal hunk. Consecrate my openings you virtuous beast. Bring me back from the dead, you herculean surfboard. He — and this is true — can get it.”
Julien is a Los Angeles based comedy writer and video editor. His work has been featured on McSweeny’s Internet Tendency, American Bystander, Points in Case, & Slackjaw.