A Letter From the Easter Bunny to the World’s Candymakers, RE Upcoming Changes
Dear Valued Peeps (Marshmallow and Otherwise):
Thank you for your many reminders to place my annual orders for Easter goodies. The fact is, I’m done with all that.
For me, as for most, the past two years have been a time of brutal self-reflection—a time to ask, How do I, a giant, legendary, independently wealthy rabbit, want to spend the rest of my infinite life? The answer, it turns out, is not schlepping baskets.
So to free myself up for other pursuits, I am pivoting.
This Sunday, in lieu of your fine products, each household on my distribution list will receive a special NFT (in France, an N Oeuf T): a one-of-a-kind virtual plastic egg filled with virtual candy.
I believe (no offense) that parents will welcome this change, as it promises to:
– eliminate their children’s Easter-morning sugar rush, not to mention their afternoon sugar-crash tantrum.
– play a positive role in keeping the kids’ weights at a healthy level.
– cut down on chocolate-smeared furniture and dogs vomiting up jelly beans.
Children, I admit, may be disappointed. But over time, I hope they’ll come to enjoy having a unique nest egg they can pass down to their children—a family hareloom, if you will.
Are there other downsides to my NFT rollout? Of course.
First, there’s my deep regret at turning tail on you, my beloved suppliers.
Second: lawsuits from the gaming industry.
While I’m unconcerned by game designers’ claims that they pioneered the virtual Easter egg and therefore own it—I have a crack legal team, headed by the grandson of the guy who defended Santa in Miracle on 34th Street—I do care about your welfare.
Therefore, as a (fungible) token of good will, I’m delighted to present every one of you with 10,000 units of my new cryptocurrency, Eastereum. (Since some of you are Jewish, I also offer Bitecoin—the only crypto that’s candy-coded to smell like chocolate gelt.) Are my cryptos the most magical cryptos ever? Yes. Are they worth less than a Cadbury egg that’s been ground into a minivan’s floor mat? Beyond doubt.
But I trust that you, savvy as you are, will turn them into a hopping enterprise.
Meanwhile, I look forward to further changes of my own.
Now that Easter’s in the hands of my blockchain team, I will scale back my day-to-day involvement. I’ll write my memoirs, build a sweet warren in the hay belt. And, at long last, I will pursue my most cherished dream of all: finding another rabbit big enough to screw.
The Easter Bunny
Melissa Balmain’s latest book is The Witch Demands a Retraction: Fairy-Tale Reboots for Adults (Humorist Books). She edits Light, a journal of comic verse. Her work has appeared in The American Bystander, Lighten Up Online, McSweeney’s, The New Yorker, The New York Times, Rattle, The Satirist, The Washington Post, and elsewhere. She tweets @MelissaBalmain