Leaked: Donald Trump’s Initial List of Cabinet Picks!

Trumps picks are bad, but they were actually worse…

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Department of Homeland Security: The Cigarette Smoking Man (X-Files)

As head of a shadowy syndicate, the cigarette smoking man certainly knows his way around a bureaucracy bogged down in red tape. Carrying the ignominious nickname ‘Cancer Man,’ he participated in a decade-long cover up that involved preparing Earth for an alien invasion. 

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Department of Transportation: Wicked Witch of the West (The Wizard of Oz)

Putting aside the scare tactics and fireballs thrown at innocent female tourists and guys made of hay, the wicked witch is the perfect choice for DOT given her experience with broom travel and the infrastructure of yellow brick roads. 

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Department of Energy: Nuclear Man (Superman 4)

Assembled by the evil Lex Luthor, Nuclear Man utilizes the power of the Sun. He almost single-handedly killed Superman while destroying the Great Wall of China, the Statue of Liberty and entire swaths of the moon in the process. Yikes! Temperament aside, he is qualified to solve earth’s energy crisis.

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Department of Veterans Affairs: Khan Noonien Singh (Star Trek: The Original Series; Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan)

Veteran of the Eugenics Wars fought on Earth in the early-mid 1990s, Khan is a leader of men. Exiled on Ceti Alpha 5 after attempting to commandeer the U.S.S. Enterprise, he is consumed with vengeance as he blames the death of his wife on Captain Kirk. A former soldier, he likely knows the USAA membership rules better than Rob Gronkowski.

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Department of Health and Human Services: Thanos (Marvel Films)

Hailing from the moon, Titan, Thanos is essentially a warlord bent on ridding the galaxy of 50% of its inhabitants. Unclear on his stance of fluoride in water but judging by the condition of his teeth, he’s against it. Likely vaccine denier.

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State Department: Annakin Skywalker/Darth Vader (Star Wars Films)

Annakin was once a promising and whiny little Jedi but morphed into a cybernetically-enhanced evildoer after being seduced by the dark side and getting his ass whipped by his former Jedi Master. His dogged determination and glass half empty persona makes him a perfect candidate to deal with authoritarian leaders!

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Department of Agriculture: Jaime Dutton (Yellowstone)

As a Harvard-educated lawyer, Dutton is not only familiar with the Montana legal system, but he spent most of his life working hard to protect his adopted family’s ranch, all in the face of unrelenting vitriol by his psychotic sister, Beth.

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Department of Housing and Urban Development: Gargamel (Smurfs)

Gargamel is a wizard with a deep understanding of city planning and the legal proceedings involving eminent domain. Bent on ridding the world of “Those pesky Smurfs,” and their Smurfy Village, Gargamel is a logical choice for HUD. After all, he is white, resilient, and willing to destroy an entire subset of the population based simply on the color of their skin.

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Attorney General: Lawyer/Devil John Milton (The Devil’s Advocate)

A shrewd and charismatic lawyer, Milton is also the devil. Not figuratively. He is literally the devil. With thousands of years of on-the-job-training, and a religious background, there is no better choice for AG.