Unsurprising Revelations From Trump’s 2nd Impeachment Trial

Trump tweeted several times that he “double dog dared” his followers to attack the Capital.

Trump was happy to see flags with his name being carried by members of the mob, as he figured that it would be good product placement to attract American adversaries to his chain of hotels.

Trump doesn’t believe that he should be blamed for the threats against Mike Pence’s life, as Pence is a (somewhat) life-like puppet remotely controlled by Politicians Righteously Instigating Christian Kamikazes, or PRICK for short.

Originally it was believed that many of the rioters had been injured and beaten about the face during the insurrection, but as it turns out they had that number of teeth before descending upon the Capital.

The FBI reports that several QAnon members involved in the insurrection have been easy to track down and arrest, as they left a slime trail through the Capital which contained a fair amount of DNA.

Several users of the Farmers Only dating app are already listing the insurrection of the Capital as their “meet cute”.

Trump enjoyed the scenes of destruction so much that he recorded over his VHS tape of sex with Stormy Daniels in order to preserve the footage.

Most Republican senators don’t believe in the constitutionality of the impeachment because they’ve never actually read the Constitution.

Movie studios planning on making a film based on Trump’s disastrous presidential term are currently distraught, as the last minute insurrection means that the special effects budget will now be through the roof.

When Trump said “I love you” to the rioters in his video during the insurrection, this was the only time that he’d ever uttered those words to someone without the intention of tricking them into sex.