Melania Trump Body Language Decoded

Anderson Cooper’s CNN interview with Melania Trump held very few surprises; naturally, she came out in defense of her husband.   What is surprising, however, is that fact that most of Melania’s actual messages went unnoticed by viewers.   Not only because we couldn’t understand what she was saying, but also because her words didn’t match up with her body language and facial expressions.    The Lampoon’s top non-verbal communication experts were on the case, and here are their tantalizing results….
[35 seconds in]
Melania makes a swooping gesture with her left arm and cocks her head slightly, seeming to make a plaintive request for someone to please help her remove the chastity belt that, by this time in her life, is entirely too tight, having originally been constructed for her twelve year old body mere days after having been selected by Mr. Trump.
[2 minutes, 18 seconds in]
Melania smiles widely and blinks rapidly, asking someone, anyone for “A meal, please!   Those three day old pastry’s in the garbage… anything!    Anything but more of those shitcocking Tic-Tacs!”
[8 minutes, 52 seconds in]
Melania crosses her right leg over her left, giving the former a slight swinging motion.   Seemingly in the hope that Anderson Cooper will notice the ankle monitor that has been surgically implanted just beneath the surface of her skin.
[17 minutes, 25 seconds in]
Melania makes a small, barely perceptible motion towards someone off camera, seeming to indicate to Anderson’s technical crew that she will be happy to sign autographs after the interview, as long as she can keep the pen in the hopes of being able to smuggle it home, and therefore possibly be able to stab Donald in his damnable eyes.
[20 minutes, 18 seconds in]
Melania giggles lightly and leans forward just slightly, hoping that Anderson will notice the Trump logo branded onto her chest, as well as the various cigar burns that surround said brand.    “Please, God, please,” her eyes seem to beg, “please let him notice.”
[23 minutes, 11 seconds in]
Melania smiles and brushes a stand of hair from her eyes, indicating that she has already early-voted for Hillary, which she prays will lead to her husband’s homicidal rage and the swift release of death she has longed for, lo these many years.
[29 minutes, 15 seconds in]
Melania shifts slightly in her seat and uncrosses her legs, indicating that, immediately following the interview, she would appreciate being able to urinate without several guards surrounding her at all times.
[Immediately following the interview]
Melania was able to break free from Trump’s security detail and begin quickly running down the street.   One doesn’t need to be a body language expert to figure this one out….   Melania wanted to get in a quick jog before returning to her life of leisure.   No wonder she manages to stay in such great shape!