Moments from Post-Presidential Comedy Careers

Theodore Roosevelt: Bullmoose Improv Troupe

THEODORE ROOSEVELT

Hello, I’m Teddy and we are Bullmoose! All we need is a suggestion from the audience to get started!

President Roosevelt is shot in the chest.

THEODORE ROOSEVELT

(coughing up blood)

Ok, I think I heard bang.

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Abraham Lincoln: Friars’ Roast Comic

ABRAHAM LINCOLN

I’m just going to say it, Jefferson Davis looks like a dorkified version of me. First this dude tried to look like me, then he tried to be president like me. What’s next, is he going to start courting Mary Todd? Even when the country was literally divided as hell I think we all would’ve come together to agree that Jefferson Davis couldn’t get it. Four-score would be too high for this chin-beard motherfucker.

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Rutherford B. Hayes: 90’s Comic

RUTHERFORD B. HAYES

I love getting new clothes. No really I do. Let me put it this way, women and Rutherford B. shoppin’!

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Ronald Reagan: Gallagher-type Comic

Ronald Reagan regularly sells out to large crowds where he mostly just places jars of Jellybeans on a stool before smashing them with a hammer emblazoned with the word “Reaganomics.” The crowd always loves it, but feels negative and long lasting effects of Reagan’s actions for decades to come.

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Richard Nixon: Andrew Dice Clay-type Comic

Richard Nixon

Nice looking crowd…except for the Democrats. Ohhhh! No, but really, they’re fine people, once you get to know them from listening to your wiretap! Marone! Hickory Dickory Dock. My impeachment trial was a mock…ery!

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Donald Trump: Podcast Comedian

Donald Trump briefly hosted a podcast called “Oval Office Trumpies” where each episode was to recap one day of his time as president. It was cancelled after two episodes after he was unable to build a good following on social media.

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Jimmy Carter: Compliment Comic

Jimmy Carter

So this guy Ron is president now, what’s this guy’s deal? I mean I completely disagree with his policies, but golly was he good in Bedtime for Bonzo. And his Veep, Bush, gee-whiz he’s got some nice glasses. Stylish. Well, I’m getting the light, I appreciate y’all listening to me.

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John F. Kennedy: Seinfeld-type Comic

J.F.K.

Ask not what your country can do for you. Ask what’s the deal with the Bay of Pigs?

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William Henry Harrison: Dad Comic

William Henry Harrison

Dealing with the other side of the aisle is always tricky. You tell them you’re going to veto their bill and they say “don’t rain on my parade, Will.” And I say to them, buddy, it literally rained on my parade and you don’t hear me complaining! Ooo, sorry, just got the chills there. Feel like I’m coming down with something. Must be turning into an elevator!

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Franklin Delano Roosevelt: Weekend Update Anchor

F.D.R.

A reporter in Hyde Park said they saw me having a romantic time with a cousin of mine that wasn’t Eleanor. When Eleanor heard about my affair she relayed, “I want a New deal!”

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James Buchanan: Vaudeville Comic

James Buchanan

Give me a wife. Please!

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Ulysses S. Grant: Crowd Work Comic

Ulysses S. Grant

It’s great to be back down south, so many characters down here. You there, with the eye-patch and light grays, have trouble finding the place? No, I don’t remember you. Oh, it was me that poked your eye out in battle? Well, all’s fair in love and war buddy. If you don’t like it, why don’t you secede yourself out of here.

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William G. Harding and Calvin Coolidge: View Askewniverse Comedy Movie Duo

William G. Harding

Oh, what’s up? I’m “G.” and this is my presidential-running mate Silent Cal.

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Thomas Jefferson and John Adams: Morning Zoo DJ’s

Had a show on 177.6 FM called “The Declaration with TJ and Adams.” After many years they split up and Adams was promoted to the afternoon drive time slot, which he held for four years before losing the position to Jefferson who held it for eight years. Both of them then went on to have their own middling midday shows which were cancelled within five hours of each other.

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George Washington: Ventriloquist and Blue Comic

General Cornwallis Ventriloquist Dummy

George if I ask you a question will you tell the truth?

George Washington

Of course. I cannot tell a lie.

General Cornwallis Ventriloquist Dummy

When Martha and you are intimate with each other, do you keep those wooden teeth of yours away from her beaver?

George Washington
(miming a punch)

Why I oughta!