Movie Sequels Trump is Demanding

In the wake of Donald Trump loudly—and repeatedly—declaring himself the sole reason Rush Hour 4 is officially happening, Hollywood made the classic mistake of acknowledging him. Now, emboldened by even the faintest whiff of cinematic influence, Trump has reportedly shifted into full “studio head” mode, demanding that Tinseltown fast-track sequels to dozens of films that nobody wants to see…

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The Blue Lagoon 2

The original story of two thirteen year olds finding love with each other is updated to a thirteen year old girl and an out of shape middle aged man whose father owned a saw mill.

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Home Alone 6

Still hurting over his small role in the second film in the series, Trump takes center stage as a president defending the areas of the White House currently being destroyed against a trio of thugs pardoned by Trump for their Jan 6 involvement.

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I Know Who You DOGE’d Last Summer

If you’re looking for a body count 100K x bigger than the previous entries in the series combined, then look no further!  Who needs The Fisherman when you can instead have a chainsaw wielding evil billionaire who himself appears to be some sort of unsettling fish / man hybrid?  I mean, holy fuck, yikes, right?

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Mission Impossible: Epstein Island

Adapted from the fevered scribbles on the back of a triple whopper with cheese wrapper by the president: Tom Cruise travels to Epstein Island in order to rescue Trump, who is being held against his will and being forced to engage in erotic activities with underage girls.  “Lots of explosions and boobies too!” the president barked through a mouthful of charred beef and cheese, so bring the whole family!

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Hunger Games Ballroom

In order to provide dinner time entertainment for his lavish guests of murderers and pedos, Trump arranges a series of contests that pit SNAP beneficiaries against one another, the victors receiving dinner scraps that would have otherwise been garbage.