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New Dating Rules For The Apocalypse
- It’s no longer necessary for you to work on yourself before looking for a soulmate. Everyone is a mess, including you. So get out there!
- If you ask someone out and they immediately start crying or laughing, that does not necessarily mean they don’t want to go out with you. It’s a tough time for everyone.
- Don’t worry about trying to impress. The fact that you are still alive is very sexy!
- It’s no longer frowned upon to date someone much younger or older than you. Honestly, no one cares about that, they’re too busy looking for potable water.
- The third hour of a first date is the equivalent of one year of dating.
- If you haven’t heard from your sweetie in a while, they’re not playing hard to get. They have probably been kidnapped by marauding pirates.
- Instead of a Weekend Getaway, plan escape routes for when someone in your caravan loses it (and they will) and starts threatening everyone including their own “family”.
- Ghosting is no longer when people stop replying to phone calls or messages. It’s the habit that the dead have of haunting Earth.
- If your sweetie says “I want you to meet my parents!” then proceeds to pull out two popsicle stick people and refers to them as ‘mom’ and ‘dad’. Just go with it. You’re probably not handling this any better.
- If you both decide you want to move in together, all you need to do is FIND SHELTER! Seriously find somewhere safe for both of you. You can call it home, you can call it Hal, call it whatever you want! The only thing that matters is staying alive!
- When shopping for an engagement ring, it’s not necessary to be extravagant. Any ring on any dismembered finger you discover will do just fine.
- If you both decide that you want to have kids, just grab one. There are plenty roaming around looking for new families.
- Have sex on the first date, actually, have sex the first ten minutes of the first date. You are going to die very soon.
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Marisela is an actor, stand-up comic and writer who lives in NYC.
