Obituaries for Your New Years Resolutions

Exercise More, thirty seconds old, passed away of exhaustion from a light run on an elliptical machine at an LA Fitness, when you felt so sore that you decided you never wanted to exercise again or at least until 2021, when this cycle will inevitably repeat. You commemorate Exercise More’s memory in your never to be used again thirty dollar a month subscription to LA Fitness, which is perpetually impossible to cancel.

Quit Smoking, ninety nicotine patches old, entered heaven, when your refrain from smoking stressed you out so much that you needed to smoke two whole packs of cigarettes to unwind. His memory lives on in the wafty smoker smell that follows you whenever you enter a room and in your daily eight dollar payment to Marlboro.

Get A New Job, twenty unanswered emails old, peacefully passed into the spiritual realm, when you realized formatting resumes, writing cover letters, and doing Skype interviews was more work than your current job, which is at least paid minimum wage. You commemorate her by occasionally pondering what if.

Travel More, an internet search old, quickly departed this life when you checked Expedia and realized how expensive plane flights and hotels are. His memory lives on in your envy toward Facebook friends’ Parisian winter break photos.

Learn A New Language, ten como estas’s old, left us when you realized that Minecraft was way more fun than Duolingo. Also, it would have been easier if your parents had taught you a language at an earlier age, so it’s not your fault, right? Her memory lives on when you drink tequila shots and watch Narcos.

Donate More, one Goodwill trip old, lost her life, when you realized that you are the one in need of charity since your student loan debt is still there. Also, you can’t become a monthly donor for Save the Children now that you have that LA Fitness membership draining your bank account. She lives on in your occasional guilt, when you watch their tear-jerking sob-inducing commercials.

Manage Stress Better, a sixty-second Headspace meditation old, passed, when you tried so hard to meditate that it caused you anxiety, which you then tried to fix with meditation, which just caused you more anxiety, which you then tried to fix with more meditation, which just caused more anxiety. He lives on in your now unused Headspace app.

Make New Friends, two attempted social interactions old, entered the afterlife, when you came on too strong and scared away strangers at a bar. His memory lives on in your Facebook friends, who are more like acquaintances, who you could possibly make into friends, but that seems like so much work for something that is supposed to be fun and recreational.

Work on Your Relationship, thirty minutes without arguing old, passed away, when you realized that watching The Bachelor was more important than compromise. Her memory lives in on in the frequent make-up sex, which is often followed by another fight, and then more make-up sex.

Have A Baby, three dating apps old, left the earthly plane, when you realized that your unemployment, commitment issues, and financial dependence on your parents actually makes you the baby.