Unfulfilled New Year’s Resolutions (So Far)

Make a genuine effort to heed Alyssa Milano’s series of restraining orders.

Build a tree house using nothing but old Ouija boards.

Wash used underpants before donating to Goodwill.

Don’t become unnecessarily startled and bite anyone who might try to offer up a high-five.

Stop texting and talking on phone, as well as shaving back, while in the movie theatre.

Quit annoying habit of signing people’s colostomy bags (it’s not the same thing as signing a cast!)

Always, always, wear a shirt to the Super Grand Chinese Buffet.

Discontinue practice of using the occult to trap troubled spirits within a pentagram painted on your floor, and then forcing them to watch you masturbate.

No longer attempt to beat the world’s record for most number of Flintstones vitamins stuffed into one’s anal cavity. Just put it out of your mind, once and for all! Remember what Dr. Kovastacs said about obsession and self-harming patterns.

Just go out and buy a new coat when the coat you’re wearing gets too much blood on it; treat yourself, you’ve earned it.

Attempt to incorporate yodeling into any and all future seduction attempts.