Office Christmas Party Rules That Reflect Current Sexual Harassment Concerns

No more placing the mistletoe above your crotch and referring to it as “mistle-blow”.

Those choosing to sit on Santa’s lap must be wearing pants. Santa as well must be wearing pants.

No pretending that eggnog is anything but what it is. No referring to it as “nut nog” or “running down your leg nog”.

No using the nativity scene baby Jesus to tease Suzanne and make her feel bad about what happened at last year’s Christmas party.

All drunken hook-ups must be pre-arranged at least 72 hours before the party, with all necessary paperwork filled out in triplicate and submitted to HR.

No more using a candy canes, small Christmas trees or items from the Harry & David meat and cheese sampler as phallic props.

All Xerox copies of bottoms must be wearing pants and underwear.