Pretty Basic Swingers’ Club Etiquette

A queef in a club is similar to a burp after a large meal in a Japanese household; to not do so would be an insult to your hosts.

Most clubs have a two drink minimum, but drinking cup of someone else’s tinkle does not go towards this total.

Please, no more than seven people per glory hole.

Despite the similar wording, a Groupon typically cannot be used for group sex.

A pimple inadvertently popped during a spanking session may lead to a dermatology fee being added to your final bill.

If you use leg braces and other similar assorted paraphernalia during your sexual activity, this doesn’t allow you to use the handicapped parking in front of the club.

Please don’t eat buffalo wings from the club snack bar, and then finger someone’s bottom without first thoroughly washing your hands.

It is a faux pas to tickle another’s b-hole with the feather of an endangered species.

If you pull a train that lasts several hours, you are not then eligible for frequent traveler miles.

It is typically considered bad form to spend a long amount of time sniffing seats if several ladies are standing and without a place to sit in the club.


by Kit Lively

Kit Lively

Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence