What’s up, fellas! How are you guys doing? Enjoying the hole? The glory hole? I hope so. That was the intention as proclaimed by the glory hole mission statement here on the stall wall: “To be a glorious and gloried upon hole of mysterious pleasure.” I know it sounds kind of vague, but if you look at the size and placement of the hole you’ll realize that it’s not like you’re going to put your ear to it and hear the ocean. Unless putting your ear to things gets you off, then more power to you. But watch out! With this particular seashell, the ocean might give your ear a wet little kiss.
As most of you might realize, this is the fifth consecutive month of the Worm Hole’s operation (That’s the name, in case you didn’t know, The Worm Hole.) And as much as I would like to have a big bash to celebrate, I realize that might contradict the principle of the Hole itself, which is sexy anonymity. We have seen and felt many great things in the past 5 months, my fellow Wormers, and I thank you kindly for your patronage of this particular glory hole. I do seriously believe that this hole will be standing long after any new rest areas are erected on this highway.
This hole is strong.
However, much like any glory hole worth its salt, there are some concerns I would like to address for the Hole’s betterment. These are relatively simple matters and should make an already exhilarating experience that much more satisfying. I trust you to prick up your ears, gentleman, and listen to what I have to say.
The first issue is the sloppy floors. I know I sound like a broken record here with this issue, but it’s true: the floors are a mess. And don’t try to give me the excuse that it’s from folks who are there to just use the bathroom. I’m so tired of hearing that. There is a heavy concentration of moisture around and under the hole itself, and last I checked, glory holes do not sweat. Every time I walk in here to change the velvet lining, I look like Bambi on the frozen pond and I nearly break my neck! So, please. Keep it dry, guys.
Secondly, I’m noticing some half-hearted attempts at the making of another hole on this stall. I don’t know who is doing it, but it’s completely unnecessary. Please don’t waste your time. I really don’t see the point of having two holes in the same wall. If you want to create your own glory hole somewhere else, more power to you! But please, don’t try to ride the coattails of my hole. It’s flattering, but you have little idea what you’re doing.
Do yourself a favor and give this wall a rap with your knuckle. That’s type 304 stainless steel, buddy! With a #4 satin finish for additional rigidity. You know how I know that? I’ll tell you how: From the constant trips of going to Home Depot with manual hand drills that were all busted to shit. You know how many hand drills I went through? Three. Three times I had to go back to the store until finally I just asked the guy flat out, “You know that bathroom in the Arby’s up by 202? What the hell are those stalls made of?”
So please, find your own wall to break through.
Finally, we come to a matter of professional etiquette. I know you guys are in a big hurry and don’t really take the time to appreciate your surroundings or maybe your initial feeling of shame washes over you after you partake in the Hole and you rush out hastily, but please, please stop knocking over the candy dish. I don’t know who exactly is doing it, but in my head, it’s not a whole bunch of you guys actually doing it, and maybe I’m taking this too personally, but I feel as though it’s just one person. One guy (or girl, fingers-crossed?) who spitefully takes a look at my effort and style and purposely knocks over the candy dish. It’s a really disrespectful thing to do. My wife worked hard on that candy dish from her pottery lessons at the community college and you’re sullying it with your disregard. Shame on you, sir (or madam!)
Is it the particular candy you do not like? Is that what’s causing this? I’ve always had a fondness for Werther’s and licorice, but that’s just me. Hey, if you would like something else, just name it. I’m open to public opinion. After all, I did punch a hole through a stainless steel wall not just for my benefit, but for everyone’s. So, what would you like? Runts? Laffy Taffy? Necco Wafers? Charleston Chew? Just let me know, guys.
And also, if you could, please try to remember to sign the guest book either on your way in or your way out. I know there’s more people visiting than what the guest book says. Happy Holing!
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Michael’s essays have appeared in College Humor and PointsinCase.com, the latter of which he also works as a submissions editor. His collection of comedy essays, Ask Me About My Grandcats is available on Amazon.com. He also enjoys puns and muttering things to himself while emptying the dishwasher.