Questions I Have For The House Judiciary Committee Chairman

Thank you, Mr. Chairman, if I may ask respectfully, do you believe in life after love?

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Mr. Chairman, in your opinion, do honorary Oscars count?

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Would you still love your wife if she was a worm, Mr. Chairman?

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Mr. Chairman, do you believe Paul Simon regrets letting Art Garfunkel sing “Bridge Over Troubled Water”?

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Mr. Chairman, to the best of your ability, can you name every member of Vinny Chase’s entourage?

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Do you really believe that Val Valentino is the masked magician, Mr. Chairman? You don’t think he was set up by Big Magic?

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Mr. Chairman, do you agree with your colleagues that say Forrest Gump is “mid”?

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Answer me this, Mr. Chairman, have you ever seen Mary Louise Kelly and Melissa Villaseñor in the same room?

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Mr. Chairman, do you happen to know the status of smell-o-vision?

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Mr. Chairman, do you believe that The Hangover III could’ve been improved if the film ended with the Wolfpack getting drugged for a third time, forgetting the events of the film that we, the audience, had just seen, effectively reversing the structure of the previous two films?

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Mr. Chairman, am I able to use the phrase “Bob’s Your Uncle” even though I’m under 45?

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Mr. Chairman, would you please disclose your favorite Faygo flavor?

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Mr. Chairman, to your knowledge, have historians uncovered Mambo No. 1 through 4 yet?

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Yes or no, Mr. Chairman, should “Lactate” be added to the phrase “Live, Laugh, Love”

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Mr. Chairman, do shapeshifters also obtain specific memories and personality traits too?

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In your findings, Mr. Chairman, have you found proof of the existence of any U2 fans?

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Lastly, Mr. Chairman, is it true you write poetry under the pseudonym Rupi Kaur?