Originals

Reality Show Spinoffs The World’s Not Ready For

Queer Factor

Eating spiders and jumping off cliffs is so 2003. Today’s contestants must overcome their deepest sexually based fears. Watch these brave souls come out of the closet, share their internet search history, and hook up with someone who doesn’t regularly get tested for STIs. Only one person can win (and it’s not the guy who catches Chlamydia).


Hundred Thousand Dollar Pyramid Scheme

Competitors enter into a multi-level marketing scheme from which they’ll never financially recover. It’s the show that mimics real life! Each time some poor sap buys into the scheme, the show lasts another painful week. Tune in before the pyramid crumbles down on some wantrepreneur’s dreams.




The Bong Show

Untalented nobodies perform skits in the hopes of making a fool of themselves on national TV. If they fail to draw a laugh, one of the judges must take a hit from a comically large bong. Produced by Snoop Dogg, each contestant is invariably worse than the last, so that the judges can get nice and toasted. It’s the only way anyone can sit through this dreck.


So You Think You Can Prance

Flamboyant souls from across the country fight to earn the title of the nation’s top prancer. D-list celebrities judge hopeful contestants on the limpness of their wrists and the exaggerated spring in their steps. To win it all, contestants must hop over puddles and sashay across catwalks, all without breaking a nail.


Bollywood Squares

India’s washed up celebrities answer questions and deliver scripted jokes from their perch inside a giant Tic-Tac-Toe board. In true Bollywood style, the cast breaks out into physics-defying dance numbers that do nothing to advance the plot. Whoopie Goldberg dons a sari and appropriates center square, where she spreads her ill-informed theories that the Holocaust had nothing to do with race.


Who Wants to Beat A Millionaire

Penniless eggheads progress through a series of multiple choice questions for the opportunity to beat a millionaire to a bloody pulp. Lifelines include phone a blood-hungry friend and ask the audience which weapon to use. Hosted by the corpse of Regis Philbin, this spinoff has half the intelligence of the original but twice the cannibalism—so get ready to eat the rich. (Warning: Corpses may contain nuts.)


Are You Smarter Than A 1st Grader?

Adults go back to school to see if they’re smarter than their six-year-old counterparts. Challenges include adding one digit integers and recalling who the dish ran away with (the spoon!). In the bonus round, competitors must stick their boogers to the bottom of their desk without getting a nosebleed.


The Amazing Racists

Bigoted contestants travel across the globe vying to prove that they are the biggest racists on television. Paired in teams of two, the xenophobes trek through countries full of people they can’t stand, to highlight aspects of their racial superiority. Daring challenges have competitors weaving through narrow slums, while ensuring the white hoods don’t slip from their faces.


Name that Toon

Participants listen to famous animated clips to try and name the character. While children should have the edge in this contest, the victors tend to be neckbeards who live in their mother’s basement and survive on a diet of Mountain Dew and Cheetos. Evidently, it takes a man child to master the art of children’s programming.


Survive Her

Attractive Hollywood wannabes are dumped on an island in Fiji and forced to vote off their tribemates one-by-one, starting with the contestants who give the worst sound bites. To save their middling ratings, producers give hidden advantages to the cast members most likely to make a teen girl swoon. As the tribe dwindles, remaining contestants must survive the wrath of the one angry woman who just can’t even.


Naked and Betrayed

Pairs of nude survivalists are dumped in the bush with nothing but a knife and a Hollywood camera crew. Promised a safe location for filming, the contestants are instead abandoned in the middle of a warzone. Audiences laugh as the naked duos struggle with arrow wounds, panic attacks and POW camps. To fill the needlessly long screen time, producers splice in countless shots of mosquitoes feasting on the contestants’ naked bottoms.


The Price is Fright

Minimum wage earners are invited to come on down and guess the cost of retail goods, while inflation sends prices into the stratosphere. In the bonus round, the top two players bid on items they could never dream of affording, while the camera zooms in on their horrified faces for cheap laughs.


by Jared Cappel

Jared Cappel

Jared Cappel’s comedy has appeared in Slackjaw, MuddyUm and The Haven. A lover of wordplay, he is one of the top Scrabble players in North America. Follow the latest at jaredcappel.com.