Buttigieg: Well, as the youngest doctor here who is somehow more accomplished than the entire senior staff since I spent four years running a free clinic in Uganda while at the same time doing a neurosurgery residency at Mount Sinai and a cardiac surgery residency at Columbia Presbyterian, I can confidently say that we should take the wait and see approach.
Klobuchar: I don’t typically have time for patients since I’m the chair of clinical operations, so you’re very lucky to have me. What’s your name again? Oh it’s on the chart. How do you pronounce that? Never mind, I’ll have my intern Joel do it when he takes over treatment momentarily. Let’s take a selfie together so the board knows I’m still working. Okay great, thanks.
JOEL! Get me some Purell! Don’t make me throw my stethoscope at you!
Sanders: Have you been offered any medical marijuana yet? I know it doesn’t really do anything for COVID-19, but hey, it can’t hurt, right? Now we can treat you, but you’ll likely have to wait a few months because there are a lot of other people dealing with this thing, and they got here first. Unless of course you go into cardiac arrest. Then, you know, we’ll see what we can do.
Mind if I sit down and catch my breath for a second? Just all the excitement of my first day back since my…new…stent…was…placed.
Bloomberg: Welcome to the Bloomberg wing! I’m Michael Bloomberg, no relation. Just Kidding! I donated $200 million to the hospital and all I got was this lousy six floor building brimming with state- of-the-art medical technology. Seriously though, I don’t do it for the numerous plaques and black tie galas. I do it for patients like you.
Oh, I’m not a doctor, although I do have an honorary MD from Harvard for funding their new med school lab. Here, have a lolly.
Warren: I am committed to getting you treated and back on your feet in no time, as soon as I do this post mortem with all the residents, admit four new patients, rewrite the 17 charts that the interns botched and draft new guidelines for emergency room admittance to help streamline the process. Have you seen my glasses? Oh, ha, they’ve been on my head this whole time.
Biden: You have nothing to worry about, you’re in excellent hands. While I’m a semi-retired surgeon, now department chair emeritus, who’s only seen three patients in the last six months, I can guarantee you I have a muscle memory for this doctor stuff. I know my residents have been waxing poetic about these fancy, newfangled treatments, but I always say, why try something new for a novel virus when the old ways work less than half the time?
Now let’s check your reflexes and I’ll take your temperature. Where’s that damn mercury stick?
Trump: Probably just a cold. You should go back to work.
Resident behind him: He doesn’t even work here.
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Ally Hirschlag is a writer from Brooklyn who lives with mild anxiety over what her cats are doing in the other room. You can find her work at Mic, Upworthy, Teen Vogue, and elsewhere. Follow her on Twitter @allyhirschlag.