Reasons to Complain about Merkel

The immigrants. I mean she just let them in. All those people, they could have been anyone — terrorists, murderers, rapists…That toddler, him, yes, the tired-looking one holding his mother’s hand, who knows what he’s up to? And all that “Wir schaffen das” attitude, as if we could just integrate less than 1 million refugees in our population of over 82 million if only we put a little effort into it, and welcomed them in the spirit of open-mindedness and humanity. What was she thinking?

That scandal. You know, the one…I mean there must have been one, right? Cameron had the pig’s head, Sarkozy had the Libyan campaign funding, Hollande got on his scooter to spend his nights with that French actress, and Merkel…Merkel…okay, well she might have been faithful to her husband and even insisted on paying for her own tickets whenever she visits the Berlin Philharmonic, but what about the immigrants?

And what about the fact that there was never a leak from inside her trusted inner circle of politicians and advisors? When has that ever happened? How is that a good sign of a leader? One who can keep the loyalty and respect of those around her, without even — uh, yeah, right, but what about the immigrants?

Okay, I’ve got one: Brexit. As a recent op-ed in the New York Times asked, Is Merkel to Blame for Brexit? Yes! Of course she was. I mean, of course, she’s not a politician in that country, and she did not call for a referendum, or take part in misinforming the people of the facts during the Brexit campaign, and she is decidedly pro-Europe, and she did not cause the racism or misdirected frustration and sense of powerlessness of the British people that lay behind many leave votes, but WHAT ABOUT THE IMMIGRANTS?!

Her haircut. There’s just no glamour. It’s the same old same old. Yes, that might be because she’s busy focusing on the business of running the country and has little time for such superficialities, but we don’t like it when women are more concerned with their jobs than their appearance. Also, her refusal to sexualise herself reveals her Islamist jihadist sympathies.

Her holidays. Okay, well, she didn’t even take a break this year, but she normally goes to the same four-star hotel in the Alpine resort of Sulden every summer, which is comparable to the amount of time Trump spends on the golf course, and what’s happening in Germany while she’s away? Islamification. That’s what.

And what about the money? All our taxes and jobs going to all those immigrants. Sure, unemployment is at a historic low under Merkel, salaries are higher than ever, and we have the strongest economy in Europe, but still.

The way she watched football. She just didn’t seem that into it. Just goes to show, she’s not nationalistic enough.

Look, I know it looks like we’re grasping, but we even came up with a verb inspired by her, ‘merkeln.’ Know what that means? To do nothing. To just keep things steady and stable so we can get on with our lives in a country that ticks along nicely without having to worry about wars, economic downturn, corruption and other things. Well, Merkel, we don’t like it. We don’t like it at all. We have many reasons to be incensed, anxious and dissatisfied.

The immigrants!