So You’re Moving To Another Country…

What Now?

Things To Consider:


1) Don’t Go From Bad to Worse: Difficult to fathom, we realize. But there may very well be places on the planet that are even worse than America under Trump. You don’t want to be tossed down a volcano just so the local villagers can believe that their crops will improve this season. And in some parts of the world, “gay marriage” means being roughly sewn to your partner and then fed to a lion. Don’t jump in feet first without a plan, that’s all we’re saying.


2) Know Your Dictator Stats: If you’re going to be moving to another country, ask yourself: Do they have an evil dictator as well? Is he better than ours? Worse? Our evil dictator has been accused of sexual assault a mere dozen or so times, and only one or two of them were minors. One may have been so young that they probably won’t even remember the assault, so does that even count? And how do his rapes compare to the rapes of the evil dictator lording over the country you’re considering? Are they better or worse rapes? Do they involve anyone’s butt? Take your time, these are important considerations.


3) Weigh Your Ethnic Options: If there’s one thing that a power-hungry, tyrannical despot enjoys, it’s chipping away at the ranks of a subsection of the citizenry. It gives him a chance to strut his stuff, and serves as a warning to the rest of the herd. We already know who our guy hates: Mexicans, Muslims and women. There might be a few others, but that’s the big three. Now how about the evil dictator ruling your potential new home? Who does he hate? Maybe his hatred of a particular group of people is something that you share in common. Think back to the people who may have cut you off in traffic recently; did they share any cultural similarities? Try not to relocate to a country ruled by one of those dictators who hates everyone; in those cases, it’s only a matter of time before its your turn to have hot lava rocks placed not-so-gingerly into your gaping butt-crack.


4) The Cold Shoulder, or a Nuclear Winter?: There can really be no doubt, Donald Trump will more than likely start a nuclear war at some point. So your instinct telling you to am-scray as soon as possible is right on the money. But you don’t want to relocate to another country, only to have Trump bomb said area into a fine, glowing paste. Try to imagine an area of the world that won’t piss off Trump somehow. How is that space station project coming along? Is that still a thing? Look into that, maybe.


5) Oh, You’re Moving To Canada!: Why didn’t you just say so? Canada probably isn’t the worst idea in the world (we already know what that is). They do have real, genuine super-powered people there, after all; folks who can fly, lift trains, shoot laser beams from their eyes, etc. Of course, they need them, with all of the giant ant attacks happening pretty much around the clock. So there’s that. And their health coverage is supposedly really great, although doesn’t cover giant ant bites, for whatever reason. Regardless, a solid choice.