Right Now Is the Best Time to Buy a Home

Thinking of buying a home?  As an unofficial real estate professional, I can assure you there’s no better time to buy than right now.  After all, interest rates have rarely been lower.

         What’s that you say?  You could barely afford the mortgage payments even with today’s record-low interest rates?  Don’t worry about it – just remember the cardinal rule of real estate:

House prices always go up.

This is great news for you!  Because even if your boss fires you for stealing the sugar packets from the break room, you are set.  You can just sell the house and walk away with enough cash to buy a whole sugar packet factory.

         Okay, okay, maybe back in 2008 prices did technically go the “opposite of up.” Let me amend the cardinal rule of real estate:

         Housing prices will always go up, starting right now.

         After all, the past is in the past.  2008 was a whole decade ago. It’s not like you’re still going around town wearing crocs and ripped jeans, either.

         Oh, you are in crocs and ripped jeans?  Ew. I mean… that would be a great fashion statement for a brand new tiny house, which is the perfect home for you to purchase right now.  There’s even one available with marble countertops.  Adorably tiny marble countertops.

         Huh.  So now you’re concerned that you’ll outgrow the tiny house, and nobody will want to buy a 210-square foot box with no heat, no land, and a compost toilet?  Let me assure you that my own anecdotal market studies show Gen Z adore compost toilets. 

I see, you’re still stuck on the issue of “plumbing preferences.”  Perhaps a better match for you would be luxury condos, which are an incredible bargain at the moment.  You can get this 2-bedroom/4-bathroom condo for only $2 million. It was on the market for $3 million last year.  Which means that just by buying it, you are effectively saving $1 million. Congratulations, millionaire!

And just think of all the things you could do with that $1 million, like furnishing the second bedroom as an AirBnB for wealthy tourists who carelessly leave their valuables lying about (not that I’m suggesting any illegal activities at all).

How high are the taxes?  You know, I could look that up for you, but I prefer to quote Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes: “Taxes are what we pay for a civilized society.”  By buying a home, you personally will be creating a civilized society right now.  Give yourself a pat on the back for that, hero!

So, if you could just start filling out these papers, then we can get your offer in right—

          Wait.  You’ll at least think about it, won’t you?

 Fine, but before you leave, one last question: Do you happen to know anybody looking to sell their home?  Because there’s no better time to sell your current home than right now.