Script for Upcoming Democracy’s “Going out of Business” Sale

Project Description:

Client: Supreme Court of the United States of America

Target market: Collectors, Constitution-philes, Tourists, Veterans, Women, Minorities, LGBTQ, the Homeless

Title: It’s a Star-Spangled Clearance!

Actors: Six Conservative Justices

Description/Goal: Utilize SCOTUS summer break to raise awareness of and generate revenue from the impending end of democracy

 

Direction notes: As the half-dozen individuals who have effectively paved the way for democracy’s end, tone should not seem too braggadocious. We suggest a voice that is less “lawyerly” and more “these cars are priced to move.”

Commercial script:

Visual: Footsteps echo as a fully-robed Chief Justice Roberts strolls along an ornate hallway (note: he could perhaps high-five a security guard to illustrate folksiness).

Chief Roberts: As you know, five of my colleagues and I have been hard at work aggressively rolling back the rights of the individual, removing regulations from corporations, making it illegal to be homeless and even paving the way for this country to do-away with those pesky time-sucking national elections. Our work for this session is done, so these halls are pretty quiet right now but they won’t be for long!

 

Visual: Palace guard type doormen open the gold inlaid front doors of the U.S. Supreme Court. The Chief exits, standing atop the highest step.

 

Chief Roberts: Because the end of democracy means the beginning of once-in-a-system-of-government savings for you! Come on down to the SCOTUS Store for democracy’s “Going Out of Business Sale!”

 

Visual: Crane camera pulls back to wide-shot revealing that the Chief is standing with the other five conservative justices. They all wave enthusiastically. Some gaze and point above them (Note: in the final edit, animated fireworks will explode above their heads spelling “Star Spangled Clearance!”). Justices Kavanaugh and Gorsuch chest bump.

 

Justice Alito: We’ve done the hard work of dismantling much of what the forefathers intended.

 

Justice Gorsuch: And we are pretty sure our likely incoming king will have no use for many of the artifacts of the last 248 years

 

Justice Barrett: (admonishing tone) Neil! (taps foot/face palms)

 

Justice Gorsuch: Ooops. I mean president. Obviously (winks)

 

All: (laughter)

 

Chief Roberts:  Anyway, after our handiwork here at the Supreme Court, pretty much everything must go.

 

Justice Kavanaugh: Privacy!

Chief Roberts: The environment!

 

Justice Thomas: Guns that only shoot one lousy bullet at a time!

 

Justice Alito: Immigrants!

 

Justice Barrett: (mock scolding) Samuel!

 

Justice Alito: (shrugs)

 

Justice Kavanaugh: So, come on down to the Supreme Court Shop and pick up a remnant like the original Roe v. Wade, the 1984 Chevron ruling –

 

Justice Thomas: and that Loving v. Virginia marriage case.

 

Chief Roberts: Ha-ha. Not quite yet on that one Clarence. Maybe next year.

Justice Thomas: (makes classic “aw shucks” motion with fist)

Justice Alito: We’re selling the Watergate tapes, Iran-Contra goodies, ballrooms and bathrooms worth of classified documents and we’ll even let you listen to King Trump’s perfect phone call because we decided that none of it matters anymore!

 

Justice Barrett: OMG, not you too Samuel!

 

Justice Alito: Did I say the king thing out loud? Classic me. Open mouth. Insert foot.

 

Justice Barrett: What am I going to do with you guys? (shakes head/rolls eyes)

 

Chief Roberts: And this week only, the whole court will be on site to take selfies, help ring you up, load up your goodies in plastic bags and send you on your way!

 

Justice Gorsuch: Well, the part of the court whose votes count at least.

 

All: (Louder laughter)

 

Justice Thomas: Actually, Ginni and I will be driving across the beautiful country in our RV where we will spend nights sleeping in Walmart parking lots.

[Sound of record scratch as all gaze at Justice Thomas]

Justice Thomas: JK! I’ll be in the Seychelles with my BFF.

All: (noticeably exhale)

 

Chief Roberts: 50-star flags! “I Voted” stickers. Yes We Can and Earth Day posters. Every relic must go. Just make an offer.

 

Justice Thomas: Harlan said we get to have Iranian caviar!

 

Justice Alito: Did I mention that my wife will be signing very specific flags?

 

Visual: A shapely, attractive actress dressed as Lady Justice has been listening from her perch outside the court. There is a loud clatter as she drops her scales and removes her blindfold

 

Lady Justice: Heck, even I can see what an incredible sale this will be!

 

All: (incredulously) Lady Justice! (hearty laughter)

 

Outro Music: “The Stars & Stripes Forever.”

Visual: Graphic reading “All Sales Final.”

 

[FADE OUT]