Rejoice Mortals! We the Gods of Olympus Have Agreed on a New Code of Ethics to Hold Ourselves Accountable

We swear there will be no undue influence at play in our decisions. And despite eons of previous allegiances, rest assured that the moment one ascends to Olympus they become completely neutral. So when Zeus throws a thunderbolt or Athena hurls the island of Sicily, be gladdened in knowing your divine smiting is 100% impartial. 

Student Loan Acceptance: A Solution Brought to You By the Grand Old Party

Allow us, your humble allies in this pursuit of equality, to present a couple steps, also known as the Five Stages of Grief, to help you navigate and ultimately accept the overwhelming heartache that comes with knowing 19% of all your paychecks will be forfeit to your student loans as long as you draw breath.

Summer Barbecue Tips from the Supreme Court of the United States

Associate Justice Neil Gorsuch: Remember to give thanks to the Lord God Himself! Since separation of church and state is no longer a thing, gather your guests of various faiths, or lack thereof, and lead them in a Christian-centric Grace. If a coach can do this on the football field of a public school, what’s stopping you from mandating it in your backyard? If you don’t, we’ll do it for you!

Truly Terrible Beach Tips

Be sure to bring a sunblock bottle that contains at least 16 ounces, an excellent way to sneak in your vodka.

I’m Susan Collins and, By Golly, I’ve Been Duped Again!

Gosh darnit, I just feel like this kind of stuff keeps happening to me left and right! First it was the guy at Verizon who promised me my bill wouldn’t increase if I signed a two-year contract. Yet, here I am paying more and more money, month after month, and I can still only complete calls in my home’s unfinished attic! There’s so many spiders.

Breaking: Women Across the US Overreact to Losing a Basic Human Right

But not everyone was reacting inappropriately. “Just because you lose one of the most fundamental human rights doesn’t mean you girls have to get your panties in a wad. It’s Friday, let’s just have a fun weekend!” a man, who will never face any of the life-and-death consequences of this ruling, calmly and reasonably reacted.

CARTOON: GOP in the Room

Vote them out. Today's cartoon by Peter Kuper.

Relax Ladies - I’m Totally Ready to be an Unintended Dad

Don’t worry, I'm ready to largely decide how much, if at all, I participate in raising and financially supporting any children that may result from my actions. I am more than ready to be the “fun” parent and to do less than half of the parenting work, on average. 

CARTOON: Supremely Hazy Court

Is this party BYOB? Because that's no problem. Today's cartoon by Ivan Ehlers.

CARTOON: Girl Talk

Want to really get her attention? Today's cartoon by Bob Eckstein

President Trump’s Definitive Shortlist Of Supreme Court Justice Picks

This has potential to be the most surprising or least surprising thing you've read today.