Senator Susan Collins Reacts to Other Sidewalk Chalk Art

Sen. Susan Collins (R-ME) called the local police department in response to a pro-choice chalk message outside her home in Bangor, Maine on Saturday. The Bangor Daily News reported the incident Monday without naming who called the police. A copy of the police report shared with Mother Jones confirms the complainant was Collins.

The note outside the senator’s home was not menacing, but polite, and written in multiple colors of chalk: “Susie, please, Mainers want WHPA —–> vote yes, clean up your mess,” it said.

Mother Jones 5/10/22 https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2022/05/susan-collins-called-police-sidewalk-chalk-message/

Firstly, thank you for groveling, but what’s with the exclamation point? Why are you yelling at me? I don’t appreciate looking out into my empty, perfect, totally unbothered lawn and catching sight of this aggression etched delicately into the sidewalk with non-toxic Crayola chalk. Never in my life has someone been so loud while being so quiet. Frankly, my eyes are ringing from all that exclaiming, and it’s clear that I am in danger. Or, if not in danger, then I am slightly irked, which for me is actually the same thing.

I don’t like the implications of this one at all.

A disturbing list of demands, and my record clearly shows that I am a fierce opponent of all of them.

I do not care for the look of this guy. What’s all the smirking about? Smells like trouble – and loitering in front of my property on top of that? I don’t think so. I want him erased. Or better yet, behind bars.

The neighborhood kids are again taunting me with their hopscotch. I don’t want to do the hopscotch – I shouldn’t feel bad about that! Do you see how far they put the 2 from the 1? How the hell am I supposed to make that leap? Those delinquents made it deliberately impossible – they’re trying to make a fool out of me. My ankle is twisting just thinking about hopping and scotching in these goddamn Mary Janes.

Is this the same Joshua that got a birthday shout out during the State of the Union? Did that same kid have his party in my neighborhood? First the senate chamber, now my home – I just can’t seem to shake this kid. Surely this constitutes stalking, which leaves me no choice but to get the authorities involved. There is no excuse for harassing a sitting U.S. Senator at their place of residence, even if you’re turning double digits. (Edit: A member of my staff has just informed me that he actually turned 14. Great news. Now maybe we can try him as an adult.)

It’s a trap. I can feel it in my bones. I won’t be engaging in it, and I also won’t be voting to pass any legislation enshrining a woman’s right to a safe and accessible abortion, just to put that out there as well.

I do not want to socialize with my neighbors. Some of them are new money. Most of them don’t like me. They have children and dogs.

Really? The entire lyrics to “Imagine?” A bit overdone at this point, guys. I’d say its message is ineffective and that it has overstayed its welcome in our society, but then again, that’s the Susan Collins special, baby!

When I saw this depiction of the female body, I knew I had to act. Which is why I will be working tirelessly with the neighborhood committee to gain full control over our own sidewalks. You can’t force us to keep art we don’t want – oh – okay, yeah, I hear it now.

Illustrations by McKayley Gourley