Entries by Madeline Goetz


Originals

What Your Coffee Table Book Says About You

A Tattered Copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People: You’re up front about your red flags and don’t have a strong grasp on interior design. You rarely have company over, but you imagine elaborate scenarios in which you host dinner parties and your guests listen intently as you regurgitate the advice from this book. You are very charming in your mind.

Originals

I’m Susan Collins and, By Golly, I’ve Been Duped Again!

Gosh darnit, I just feel like this kind of stuff keeps happening to me left and right! First it was the guy at Verizon who promised me my bill wouldn’t increase if I signed a two-year contract. Yet, here I am paying more and more money, month after month, and I can still only complete calls in my home’s unfinished attic! There’s so many spiders.

Originals

Hello My So-Called Plant Sitter, Care To Explain These 45 Dead Ferns?

When I left you a voicemail asking if you could watch my ferns, and you never got back to me, I assumed your silence meant you had no questions about the intensive two-week care regimen I’d detailed. Well, apparently you had lots of questions. Given the carnage in the apartment, it’s as if you never listened to my voicemail, and spent the past two weeks in blissful ignorance, never knowing the arduous responsibility I had thrust upon you. 

Originals

NOW CASTING: Romantic Lead For New Wave Reality Dating Show Filmed Primarily In A Sensory Deprivation Chamber

Get ready to Stockholm Syndrome your way into a dubiously legally-binding marriage with the least financially stable, most emotionally volatile, sentient pair of swim trousers you’ve ever met on our new dating show, Sex Fest Island. The twist? There’s no sex and you’re trapped 30 feet underground in a dark, dark chamber devoid of warmth or feeling. You are technically on an island, though. 

Originals

Senator Susan Collins Reacts to Other Sidewalk Chalk Art

I do not care for the look of this guy. What’s all the smirking about? Smells like trouble – and loitering in front of my property on top of that? I don’t think so. I want him erased. Or better yet, behind bars.

Originals

Leaking Our Decision To Overturn Roe v. Wade Violates The Supreme Court’s Privacy And Government Bodily Autonomy

We wanted to release our ruling on our own terms. We have been denied that choice. How would you like it if your Twitter drafts were posted before you had finished tinkering with them? Your risky texts shot off before being peer reviewed by the girlies? An email replied to before you counted the exclamation points?

Originals

Devin Nunes Addresses Beta Tester Feedback Amid Soft Launch Of Trump’s New Social Media Platform

On Truth Social, we believe that money is king. While on other apps, ‘Following’ people simply means getting updates from them on your feed and seeing what they post to their public profile – on Truth Social, for the right price, ‘Following’ can mean whatever you want it to mean: following someone’s profile, following them home, whatever. If you pay for it, you can have it. 

Originals

Welcome to Our Town’s Walking Tour Where We Choose to Focus on Abraham Lincoln’s Visit Here and Not That Famously Bad Thing That Happened in the 80s

Thank you for meeting me here under this lamppost at 3:30PM, and welcome to my hometown’s walking tour. As most of you know, our town is famous because – for a 22-hour period of time – our nation’s 16th president, Abraham Lincoln, stayed here. Yep, that’s what we’re known for. Nothing else. No matter what a certain HBO documentary might lay out in graphic detail. Anyway, let’s get started!