Entries by Madeline Goetz


Best of 2023

Sex With Me, Sponsored By Brooklinen

Wow, that was great! You know what they say about seven minutes in heaven: you can do it in four. Let me just throw this condom away. And speaking of away, Away Luggage is quickly becoming the most trusted suitcase brand from young professionals on the go. Not saying you have to go! You can totally stay the night if you want.

Originals

Student Loan Acceptance: A Solution Brought to You By the Grand Old Party

Allow us, your humble allies in this pursuit of equality, to present a couple steps, also known as the Five Stages of Grief, to help you navigate and ultimately accept the overwhelming heartache that comes with knowing 19% of all your paychecks will be forfeit to your student loans as long as you draw breath.

Best of 2023

Dog Training for Cowards

Sit and Stay: Ask your dog nicely to sit. If he doesn’t do it, nervously look around to see if anyone noticed him disobeying you. If there’s no one around, pretend you never actually asked him to sit. You will learn to gaslight yourself like this. Similarly, if you ask your dog to stay and he continues to lunge or wander, you must turn it around on yourself. You stay. Stay and wonder why no one ever listens to your requests.

Best of 2022

Pool Rules for Dan

No peeing in the pool. No bodily fluids of any kind at any time. So stop getting in the pool after you’ve had three Coronas, Dan. And keep your snot-nosed kids out of the water too. They scare me. The older one said he knows how I’m going to die. 

Best of 2022

Thank You For Listening To Our Podcast!

And of course, Kate, we have to thank our fans. As two born-and-raised Californians, we couldn’t insert ourselves into Keystone local politics, sift through heaps of data you have no way of knowing were gathered accurately or ethically, and break it all down for you in-between absolutely incessant bickering week after week without listenership analytics that keep our production company happy.

Best of 2022

God Announces He Will Forgive Some Sins

Think about the prayer economy! If we forgive too many sins, then there won’t be enough prayers for salvation coming in to sustain our Saints. Plus, a lot of people wish for ice luges in their Forever Paradise in the Sky. Do you know how expensive those are? If we get an unprecedented influx of people coming into heaven, all wishing for their own personal ice luge, I’m going to have to start laying off angels.

Best of 2022

Meet the Animal Mayors Running, Scampering, and Flying for Reelection in 2022

Tippy the Tortoise | Florida: Affectionately known as the “Marsh Monarch,” Tippy has been mayor of this coastal city for 95 years. He has seen mighty politicians rise and fall, and yet he has remained. Despite a rumored networth of $7B, he has been plagued by financial troubles: he has sired thousands of children and his exes are all extremely litigious.

Best of 2022

Grandma’s Quick & Easy Chocolate Chip Cookies and Entire Life

One Cup Sugar: In 356 BC, my Grandma, ever the socialite, found herself in the company of Alexander The Great – or as she called him, Alexander The Good Enough – and learned of this incredible new substance he had encountered during one of his campaigns: sugar. According to my Grandma, he told her it was the sweetest thing he’d ever found, to which she responded, “that’s because you hadn’t met me yet.”

Best of 2022

What Your Coffee Table Book Says About You

A Tattered Copy of How to Win Friends and Influence People: You’re up front about your red flags and don’t have a strong grasp on interior design. You rarely have company over, but you imagine elaborate scenarios in which you host dinner parties and your guests listen intently as you regurgitate the advice from this book. You are very charming in your mind.

Originals

I’m Susan Collins and, By Golly, I’ve Been Duped Again!

Gosh darnit, I just feel like this kind of stuff keeps happening to me left and right! First it was the guy at Verizon who promised me my bill wouldn’t increase if I signed a two-year contract. Yet, here I am paying more and more money, month after month, and I can still only complete calls in my home’s unfinished attic! There’s so many spiders.

Best of 2022

Hello My So-Called Plant Sitter, Care To Explain These 45 Dead Ferns?

When I left you a voicemail asking if you could watch my ferns, and you never got back to me, I assumed your silence meant you had no questions about the intensive two-week care regimen I’d detailed. Well, apparently you had lots of questions. Given the carnage in the apartment, it’s as if you never listened to my voicemail, and spent the past two weeks in blissful ignorance, never knowing the arduous responsibility I had thrust upon you. 

Best of 2022

NOW CASTING: Romantic Lead For New Wave Reality Dating Show Filmed Primarily In A Sensory Deprivation Chamber

Get ready to Stockholm Syndrome your way into a dubiously legally-binding marriage with the least financially stable, most emotionally volatile, sentient pair of swim trousers you’ve ever met on our new dating show, Sex Fest Island. The twist? There’s no sex and you’re trapped 30 feet underground in a dark, dark chamber devoid of warmth or feeling. You are technically on an island, though. 

Originals

Leaking Our Decision To Overturn Roe v. Wade Violates The Supreme Court’s Privacy And Government Bodily Autonomy

We wanted to release our ruling on our own terms. We have been denied that choice. How would you like it if your Twitter drafts were posted before you had finished tinkering with them? Your risky texts shot off before being peer reviewed by the girlies? An email replied to before you counted the exclamation points?

Originals

Devin Nunes Addresses Beta Tester Feedback Amid Soft Launch Of Trump’s New Social Media Platform

On Truth Social, we believe that money is king. While on other apps, ‘Following’ people simply means getting updates from them on your feed and seeing what they post to their public profile – on Truth Social, for the right price, ‘Following’ can mean whatever you want it to mean: following someone’s profile, following them home, whatever. If you pay for it, you can have it. 

Best of 2022

Welcome to Our Town’s Walking Tour Where We Choose to Focus on Abraham Lincoln’s Visit Here and Not That Famously Bad Thing That Happened in the 80s

Thank you for meeting me here under this lamppost at 3:30PM, and welcome to my hometown’s walking tour. As most of you know, our town is famous because – for a 22-hour period of time – our nation’s 16th president, Abraham Lincoln, stayed here. Yep, that’s what we’re known for. Nothing else. No matter what a certain HBO documentary might lay out in graphic detail. Anyway, let’s get started!