YOU can be as great of a liar as Jeff Sessions!! It’s true!! Or, false….? And it’s easy! At least, he seems to have no trouble doing it nonstop.
Jeff Sez: “Gwan now! S’easy, n fun, to tull tall tay-uls, wun nawn cun stan wut yer sayin’. Yegettit?”
Translation: “Go on now! It’s easy and fun to tell tale tales, when no one can understand what you’re saying. You get it?”
See what we mean? What the fuck?
Here are a few sample situations, and the ways that Jeff would use his specially patented methods to worm his way out of them…
I got into a little fender bender, and now the side of my car is a bit dented up. I’m so scared to tell my husband, as it was Chores Tuesday, and I wasn’t supposed to be driving anyway! Is there a way for me to successfully lie my out of this, but at the same time, not spend an eternity burning in Hell?
Jeff Sez: “Gwan now, lul lay-dee! Gwan now! Ya’ll jes now get on, doan be worr’n yor purty lil hay-ud abowd dem prolums. Jes tay-ull yor man yor trut, n’ tay-uk yor p’nshmint.
Translation: “Go on now, little lady! Go on now! You just now get on (we think…), and don’t be worrying your pretty little head about those problems. Just tell your man the truth, and take your punishment.”
My dad and I got into a very heated argument over the past weekend, and the fight quickly turned physical. I just went crazy for a moment or two there, and ended up beating him to death. We live in the country and so I was able to hide the body for the time being, but now what? Others in our family are beginning to ask questions, and I don’t know what to do.
Jeff Sez: “Youzatuffun, eh? Youzatuffun!! Awmy, yay-uss. Baways ill be baways, yaw no? Dawn be woryun now-uh. Jes tell de Sharf det yor daddy was tuch’n yor b-hole, an awl be fuy-un now, jes fuy-un.
Translation: “You’re a tough one, eh? You’re a tough one! Oh my, yes. Boys will be boys, you know? Don’t worry now. Just tell the Sherriff that your daddy was touching your bottom, and everything will be fine, just fine.”
I got a small tattoo of a rose on my left shoulder blade, to pay honor to my recently departed grandmother, Rose Lundquist. She was a wonderful woman, and the person who is most responsible for my free spirit and love of adventure. Two things that seemingly skipped a generation, I’m afraid, as I know that my parents won’t be thrilled about this tattoo, regardless of my intentions. Should I just keep it covered up and save myself the argument?
Jeff Sez: Yaw cun lie awul dai to yur prents, butchu cundt lie tuh Gaw-udd!! Gaw-udd wuhl see det Devuhl’s ahnk, und getcha far et! He’s g’na getcha! Ya’ll jes ru-uhn owun nawr. Stuh ouda my si-uht. Jawz-uh-bayell!
Translation: You can lie all day to your parents, but you can’t lie to God!! God will see that Devil’s ink, and get you for it. He’s going to get you! You just run on now. Stay out of my sight. Jezebel!”
I’m bringing my boyfriend to my parents’ house for dinner this coming weekend, and I’m so nervous! I would be nervous anyway, I’m sure, but these feelings are amplified a hundred fold by the fact that my boyfriend is black, and I come from a very conservative family. I’ve been lying to them for months… is there any way to salvage this situation?
Jeff Sez: Ah, gurlie… gurlie, gurlie, gurlie… ya lie dow-uwn wit da vipahs, youse gonna git bit! Datsfosho! Can-Suhl dat dinuh, an you two tur-yow-an yoselves inta da thorties! Dey mite gah easy onya, altha I wuld-unt! Nawt’n my cow-un-tee, I gar-own-tee! Now git!! Git!!
Translation: “Oh, girlie… girlie girlie girlie… when you lie down with the vipers, you’re going to get bit! That’s for sure! Cancel that dinner, and you two turn yourselves into the authorities. They might go easy on you, although I wouldn’t! Not in my county, I guarantee it! Now get out of here! Get out of here!
Kit has been a regular contributor to MAD magazine for over ten years, and has also been regularly published by National Lampoon, Playboy, The American Bystander, Funny Or Die, SpongeBob Squarepants Comics, Points In Case and many others. His work has been called “sort of like ‘The Far Side’, but more offbeat and often much funnier” by people who should clearly know better. He lives with his wife and two dogs, all of whom do their best to tolerate his presence