Thank you for meeting with us today, Mr. President-elect. We realize your schedule has been rather busy as of late, but these intelligence briefings really are important, especially as you get closer to occupying the White House. Yes, I completely understand. These meetings can be a bit tedious. You don’t need to tell us! But we believe today’s briefing may contain some information that will be of interest to you. Yes, I guess you can say it is pretty juicy, sure.
We’ve recently become aware of a dossier that has been circulating around some of Washington’s inner-circles. No, I said, a dossier. Well, yes, it’s a little like a folder. More a collection of documents, though, containing information. No, I guess you don’t need to read it, if you don’t want to. You’re the boss. It’s completely up to you.
Anyway, it seems that some of your political opponents during the presidential race hired a private intelligence firm to investigate potential connections you may have to the Russian government. Um, no, I really can’t imagine why anyone would do such a thing, either. Your guess is as good as mine. No, certainly, I’m sure Mr. Putin is a very nice man. Yes, perhaps someday I’ll have a chance to meet him. God willing.
The intelligence firm did find something, oddly enough. Most salacious among the information in the dossier is a claim that while you were staying in the presidential suite at the Ritz-Carlton in Moscow, you hired—Oh. Oh, yes. That’s exactly right, actually. Funny that you should know that already. Maybe you should be giving us the intelligence briefing!
No, I’m afraid the documents are lacking in some of the finer details surrounding the story. We’re uncertain who the prostitutes were, if they even exist, or what their phone numbers are. Yes, the Ritz-Carlton is without a doubt an elegant establishment, but as to whether they, as a policy, let up anything below an 8 or a 9—well, we’ll just have to take your word for it. American intelligence does have its limits.
The dossier mentions that the presidential suite had been installed with a number of covert surveillance devices. Video and audio, yes. The Russians have notably used tactics like these in the past to gather compromising information on powerful people such as yourself. Well, yes, the United States government does have similar capabilities, as a matter of fact. Audio and video, yes. Sorry, I can’t say whether one could affix one of these cameras to the underside of a toilet seat, no. Well, I’d have to check through our files in Langley, but I’m almost certain that we’ve never had a mission call for that sort of thing.
No, this story refers specifically to your stay at the Ritz-Carlton in Moscow. That weekend in Monte Carlo to which you’re referring is merely a coincidence, I’m afraid.
Now, as to the extent that this information has spread, we have a little good news and a little bad news. The bad news is that this dossier has already been passed around the highest echelons of the US government, including congressional leadership. So, this is out there. However, the good news is that all of the information in the documents is nearly impossible to verify, so—Oh. Okay. Well, then, forget that last part, I guess. We’ll just leave a complete copy of the dossier here and get on our way. No, as we said, there’s no need to read it, unless you want to. Well, just stick it in a drawer for posterity, then.
No problem at all. Same to you.
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Andy Newton is a writer living in Astoria, Queens. His work has been published by National Lampoon and McSweeney’s.