Jeff Sessions’ Updated Resume


2456 Old Shell Road   •   Mobile, AL 48103   •   (555) 349-3209   •  jeff.sessions@DOJ.gov



Attorney General,United States Department of Justice, Washington, D.C.    Jan. 2017-Nov. 2018

  • Advanced common-sense policies to protect nation from external and internal threats, such as gender fluidity, impoverished refugees, non-addictive drugs, and the perils of a modern, integrated society.
  • Consistently rated “Least Fuckable Face” by my boss, the president of the United States.
  • Publicly emasculated in front of Joint Chiefs of Staff. Testicles now proudly on display in jar on the Resolute Desk.
  • Absolutely did not collude with any foreign entities during the 2016 presidential election (if working for Russian government, please ask for alternate resume).
  • Once endured a seventy-five-minute tirade from my boss on a variety of topics, ranging from my intellect and accent to my job performance and qualifications.
  • Was miserable here. Literally any offer will be better.


Senator, United States Senate, Washington, D.C.    Jan. 1997-Jan. 2017

  • Drafted, debated over, and voted on legislation to advance the interests of my constituents, the great people of the Drummond Coal Mining Company and Southern Company Energy Conglomerate.
  • Chaired numerous subcommittees: Subcommittee on Seapower, Subcommittee against Immigration and Refugees, and Subcommittee on Destroying the Environment However The Fuck You Wish.
  • Sponsored numerous influential bills, such as the Currency Undervaluation Investigation Act, the National Prostate Cancer Plan Act, and The ObamaCare Repeal Chronicles, Chapters 1-84.


State Attorney General, Alabama Department of Justice, Montgomery, AL    Feb. 1995-July 1997

  • Tirelessly defended rich, privileged students against unfair burden of an egalitarian educational system.
  • Only rejected as a United States District Judge nominee once.
  • All right, you try defending the state of Alabama in a court of law and not looking like an asshole, then.


Office of the U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of Alabama, Mobile, AL    May 1973-Sept. 1993

United States Attorney    Jan. 1981-Sept. 1993

Assistant United States Attorney    May 1973-Jan. 1981

  • Honestly, how do you think my civil rights records looked in the ‘70s and ‘80s?
  • Other miscellaneous bullshit that even seemed unethical at the time.



Juris Doctor. University of Alabama School of Backward Law, Tuscaloosa, AL. Class of 1973.


Bachelor of Arts (Major: White Male Studies). Huntingdon College, Montgomery, AL. Class of 1969.


  • Voted “Most Likely to Secede,” Wilcox County High School, Class of 1965.
  • 2nd Prize, Montgomery Annual Confederate Statue Lookalike Contest, 2016.
  • Conversational in Casual Racism. Fluent in Overt and Systemic.
  • Proficient in Microsoft Office.