Jeff Sessions’ Updated Resume

JEFFERSON BEAUREGARD SESSIONS III

2456 Old Shell Road   •   Mobile, AL 48103   •   (555) 349-3209   •  jeff.sessions@DOJ.gov

 

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WORK EXPERIENCE

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Attorney General,United States Department of Justice, Washington, D.C.    Jan. 2017-Nov. 2018

• Advanced common-sense policies to protect nation from external and internal threats, such as gender fluidity, impoverished refugees, non-addictive drugs, and the perils of a modern, integrated society.
• Consistently rated “Least Fuckable Face” by my boss, the president of the United States.
• Publicly emasculated in front of Joint Chiefs of Staff. Testicles now proudly on display in jar on the Resolute Desk.
• Absolutely did not collude with any foreign entities during the 2016 presidential election (if working for Russian government, please ask for alternate resume).
• Once endured a seventy-five-minute tirade from my boss on a variety of topics, ranging from my intellect and accent to my job performance and qualifications.
• Was miserable here. Literally any offer will be better.

 

Senator, United States Senate, Washington, D.C.    Jan. 1997-Jan. 2017

• Drafted, debated over, and voted on legislation to advance the interests of my constituents, the great people of the Drummond Coal Mining Company and Southern Company Energy Conglomerate.
• Chaired numerous subcommittees: Subcommittee on Seapower, Subcommittee against Immigration and Refugees, and Subcommittee on Destroying the Environment However The Fuck You Wish.
• Sponsored numerous influential bills, such as the Currency Undervaluation Investigation Act, the National Prostate Cancer Plan Act, and The ObamaCare Repeal Chronicles, Chapters 1-84.

 

State Attorney General, Alabama Department of Justice, Montgomery, AL    Feb. 1995-July 1997

• Tirelessly defended rich, privileged students against unfair burden of an egalitarian educational system.
• Only rejected as a United States District Judge nominee once.
• All right, you try defending the state of Alabama in a court of law and not looking like an asshole, then.

 

Office of the U.S. Attorney for the Southern District of Alabama, Mobile, AL    May 1973-Sept. 1993

United States Attorney    Jan. 1981-Sept. 1993

Assistant United States Attorney    May 1973-Jan. 1981

• Honestly, how do you think my civil rights records looked in the ‘70s and ‘80s?
• Other miscellaneous bullshit that even seemed unethical at the time.

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EDUCATION

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Juris Doctor. University of Alabama School of Backward Law, Tuscaloosa, AL. Class of 1973.

 

Bachelor of Arts (Major: White Male Studies). Huntingdon College, Montgomery, AL. Class of 1969.

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HONORS AND SKILLS

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• Voted “Most Likely to Secede,” Wilcox County High School, Class of 1965.

• 2nd Prize, Montgomery Annual Confederate Statue Lookalike Contest, 2016.

• Conversational in Casual Racism. Fluent in Overt and Systemic.
• Proficient in Microsoft Office.