Hmm. Yes, that’s a great question. Question of the hour really. I must admit that it has kind of caught me off guard. Though, I suppose it shouldn’t have, considering this is an appointment for a haircut and you, Dave, have been cutting my hair for the last 12 years. Even so, your question has me at a bit of a loss. Of course, I’ve thought about how I wanted my hair prior to sitting down in the chair today, but it’s a bit hard for me to describe. Yes, I am finding it quite challenging to articulate what exactly it is that I am looking for. I guess as an opening gambit, I would say that I’d like my haircut different. Something different. Is that enough to go off of?
I suppose it would be easy for me to say that I want the usual, but Dave, I don’t really want the usual. Not that the usual isn’t great because it is! I love the usual. But, I guess I’m looking for a haircut that helps change who I am as a person. I understand that this puts a lot of pressure on you, and for that I do apologize. With that said, I saw what you just did with that schlubby 40-something who came in before me looking like Frank Stallone and who strutted out 25 minutes later looking a lot more like Sly. Can you fundamentally change my personality and overall lot in life with this haircut, Dave? Because if so, let’s do it.
Yes, I recognize that we have been in this situation before and that the onus falls on me to provide you with some direction to go off of. But don’t come down on me too hard. I did bring you that photograph of Brad Pitt from Once Upon A Time In Hollywood once, but then you told me that you weren’t able to add hair to my head, and I felt a bit dejected.
I’m thinking if you maybe cut the sides some and then cut the top some that maybe that might be good. And yes, of course, cut the back some too. As per how much hair, I can’t really say. How about you cut a bit of it? Yeah, if you cut a bit of hair all over my head then I think we’ll be in good shape. On second thought, maybe you had better cut a lot of hair, so I feel like I’m getting good value. I guess in a perfect world, you would cut a bit in some places and a lot in some other places. Does that sound doable? Sorry Dave, I know I’m a nightmare, but trust that whether I love my hair or not, you’ll still get your customary 5% tip.
So it’s settled then: You’re going to cut varying amounts of hair in varying places on my head. When it’s done, you’re going to style it the same way it’s been for the last 20 years and I’m going to be disappointed that it doesn’t look better. But I won’t be disappointed with you, Dave. I could never be disappointed with you. I will be disappointed at myself for not providing you, a total and absolute artist, with a better canvas.
So, yeah, I guess the usual.
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Adam Dietz is a writer and the host of the Home Improvement (the sitcom) podcast “Home Impodcast.” His work has been featured in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, Slackjaw, and The Art of Autism. He lives in Milwaukee with his partner and their two cats.