Star Wars if All The Bad Guys Refused to Wear Their Masks

Darth Vader emerges from a cloud of smoke and lasers onboard an imperial spaceship. The camera pans over his iridescent wrinkled head which has recently been treated with Bosley hair implants. He coughs amidst the smoke; a Stormtrooper offers him a shiny black mask that he impulse bought from Amazon one night after getting drunk on $8 Pinot Grigio and stress-watching Contagion. He rejects the mask. He doesn’t want anyone to “have the pleasure” of seeing him in it. He continues coughing.

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Later, onboard the Death Star, Luke Skywalker and Han Solo try to disguise themselves as Stormtroopers. Everyone recognizes them immediately because Stormtroopers don’t wear masks.

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Darth Vader threatens Princess Leia. However, that deep breathing thing is a lot less menacing without the mask and also his breath smells like Kraft Mac N Cheese.

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Luke Skywalker finally faces off with Darth Vader. Luke notices that Vader also has detached earlobes and can roll up his tongue and determines that he must be his father.

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In the final battle, hundreds of Stormtroopers are killed. (This part is the same as the original version, except you actually care because you can see their faces — and they all look like Tom Hardy with a bowl cut).

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Darth Vader asks Luke to join the Dark Side pursue the power of this preordained perilous position. Luke can’t understand this because Vader spits when he says the letter “p.”

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Darth Vader is weakened from the battle and dies (despite the fact that he’s been taking hydroxychloroquine).

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Forty years later, Kylo Ren steps onto the scene. The audience immediately sees that it’s Adam Driver and leaves the theater.