Surprise! The Meanest Girl From High School is Now Someone’s Mom

So you’re bored and have lost track of time along with your sense of self. Naturally, you hop on the ol’ Sadbook–I mean Facebook, in an attempt to get a bump of sweet sweet spiritual poison.  You see, you only go onto social media when you are feeling secure, safe, and stabilized so anything you see on there doesn’t rock you to your core.

On this day as you scroll, it all appears to be pretty standard stuff. Tim is hiking in Boulder with two dudes who look exactly like him. Kendra is in Vegas celebrating another bachelorette party, somehow. Carly is trying to sell (pyramid scheme) face potions from her kitchen and wait, what is this? Surprise! The meanest girl from high school is now someone’s mom!

Dripping, I mean just sopping wet, in gratitude that are you still Facebook friends with Meghan; you click on the pic with the caption: ‘She’s here! Elle Maevan Kemp!’

If you had seen this news 15 years ago, when Meghan spread the rumor that you had butthole crabs, it would have floored you. It would have made you fear for the future, but you’re over it now so this isn’t sending you into a downward spiral AT ALL. The girl capable of leading an entire high school class in singing the classic homecoming chant: ‘Pharaoh Pharaoh! Oh baby! She has butthole crabs, Yeah yeah yeah yeah!” is now in charge of someone’s well-being and development, and it’s TOTALLY fine.

You’re an adult now, so she probably is too.  She has likely evolved and doesn’t spread rumors of seeing smoke come out of your undergarments in the locker room due to having a quote ‘fire crotch’. No no no, just as you are completely over the deep wounds she inflicted on you without any real seeming reason or apology there afterwards, she too has probably let go of those ways.  She is now someone’s emergency contact for the rest of their life and it’ll be fine. Your childhood bully now has a baby, and it’s exhilarating to say the least.

Seeing her and her now husband, who was the football linebacker who called you a ‘great big fat loser bitch’ loudly in the cafeteria while the rest of your classmates looked on and laughed as if it were some medieval high school musical version of ‘The Crucible’ are probably both very sorry for the thousands of hours of therapy they were the precursors for. And just like you said before, you’re maturely past it now and what they did to you doesn’t even matter anymore. They now have a baby who will look to them for guidance on how to treat people, and it’ll be all good. The future is bright, right?  

You’re not spinning out about this.  You’ve healed, you’re good. You don’t shudder at the thought of someone else having to eat lunch in the bathroom stall because she locked you in there while throwing tomatoes at you and calling you ‘Peasant!’ She most likely won’t call her baby a ‘peasant’. There’s no way.

Well, either way, her baby is our nation’s future and Meghan, the girl who painted her face red, punched your dad in the throat, and then pants-ed him (with underwear) is now in charge of it!

As you sit there eating your chobani yogurt from a semi-dirty spoon because you forgot to pick up dish soap (again), you continue to convince, I mean confirm, to yourself that ‘you’re over it and it doesn’t affect you anymore. It was high schoolers being silly little high schoolers. Meghan is probably fine now and feels a lot of remorse for the past pain she inflicted on you and your family and won’t pass on those traits to her daughter who could maybe run for president one day.

Alas, to settle this and move on with your day as if the very thought of her holding a human life in her hand isn’t the most terrifying piece of news you’ve ever seen (and you saw the breaking news of Trump daring North Korea to nuke us) you hit the ‘Like’ button and close your laptop.