Are My Symptoms Seasonal Allergies…Or?

Spring is here, and that means seasonal allergies are too. But your sneeze might not be due to springtime pollen.

Allergy-like symptoms could also be:

Common cold

Sinus infection







Bubonic Plague

Justinian Plague (making a comeback)

An ancient disease from the thawing permafrost

Exposure to toxic algal blooms, flesh-eating bacteria, brain-eating amoeba, or other pathogens from warming oceans, coastlines, rivers, and lakes

Anal seepage from unknowingly inhaling / ingesting a credit card’s worth of microplastics each week

General emphysema and asthma-like symptoms from smog, wildfire smoke, and other ‘natural’ pollutants

Gradual neurodegeneration from pesticides, herbicides, industrial chemicals, heavy metals and mercury, radioactive runoff, and other widespread industrial pollutants

Lyme, Babesia, and-or another tick-borne disease (Babesia is the best, because it sounds nice)

Zika, West Nile, Dengue, or Chikungunya, transmitted by mosquitoes, gnats, no-see-ums, fleas, chiggers, and biting flies (god, aren’t biting flies the worst! by the way, only mosquitoes carry these. the others are just fun to say)

Swine Flu

Equestrian Flu

Extraterrestrial Flu

Antibiotic-resistant bacteria or a drug-resistant fungal infection contracted in a hospital

Any of the hundreds of infectious diseases (re-)emerging and ramifying due to pollution and global warming (*see full list)

Exposure to a secret government or private ‘sonic attack,’ ‘directed microwave energy’ attack, or bioweapon

Traumatic stress and delirium from living in a famished war zone

General malaise and desensitization from noise pollution, light pollution, cellphone tower and satellite signals, screen exposure, and other electromagnetic waves

ADHD, ‘the shakes,’ and St. Vitus dance from smartphone, social media, video game, and other media overstimulation

Anxiety or obsession from rampant mis- and dis- information, conspiracy theories, ‘Post-Truth,’ ‘Fake News,’ ‘Alternative Facts,’ deepfakes, and pseudoscience

AI manipulation

Political exhaustion

Addlement from countless online, phone, and mailing frauds, scams, and identity thefts

Crushing depression and despondency from the current cultural, economic, and environmental state of the world and its probable impending doom

Chlamydia, Syphilis, or another STD from all the abandoned profligate sex you’ve been having with countless random partners due to the aforementioned sense of hopelessness

The BLUES (often cured through crooning your woes sadly on the guitar)

‘Bleeding Out’ (somehow mentioned in 75% of all Improv Comedy performances)

‘The Fear’ (typically experienced after ingesting huge quantities of psychoactive substances and reading the entire oeuvre of Hunter S. Thompson)

Lycanthropy, Vampirism, or Zombification

Klingon Augment Virus, Pa’nar Syndrome, or The Phage; Andromeda Strain, or Protomolecule  (*see Extraterrestrial Flu)

Idiopathic Meningkaliofrasticnucleocellularnanophytoencephelitis

Love Sickness

Climate Change Denial Disorder

White Man’s Burden


Bad Breath


If you’re not sure what might be causing your allergy-like symptoms, consult with your doctor today! Or—as they might be on a leave of absence due to their own persistent symptoms—any remotely qualified medical practitioner (or veterinarian) who’ll see you.